With Courage I Will Face
by FinalArc
Summary: Team Plasma has been stopped, Colress and his technology were defeated and Reshiram is safe. The battles are over, but Ash is still expected to keep fighting. And he doesn't think that's fair. (A continuation of "Like No One Ever Was")
1. Chapter 1

**This story takes place after the fanfic "Like No One Ever Was". I'd recommend reading it first, but since it is 24 chapters of pure melodrama, here are the important points: Ash had a head injury while traveling in Unova, resulting in Aphasia and severe memory loss. While being treated for that, it was revealed that Pikachu's electricity had given Ash a neurological disorder, the most obvious symptom being tremors and shaking. After 23 chapters of therapy, surgery and other treatment, Ash can speak relatively well and his tremors are manageable. Pikachu went on a nice emotional roller coaster but eventually was able to forgive himself and gain greater control and understanding of his attacks. The sight of Pikachu triggered intense fear in Ash for a long time, and once Pikachu scared Ash so badly he experienced a brief psychotic episode. But the two of them were eventually able to reconcile, and Ash steadily overcame his anxiety with therapy and Pikachu's support. He is currently able to handle his fears without medication.**

**And now you're up to speed. Carry on!**

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Chapter 1: toi et moi (you and me)

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~ 寂しい ストーリー 一人で 探して (I search for the lonely story by myself...) ~

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Cilan once told me this saying, "When life gives you Iapapa Berries, make Berry Juice." I don't remember what we were talking about, or why he was prompted to say it, but I wrote the phrase down in my journal because I thought it was unusual. I couldn't understand what the point was, and Cilan had to remind me that I don't like Iapapa berries because they're sour, but Berry juice is sweeter.

"But if I don't like Iap'pa berries," I argued, "Why don't I just not eat them? Or give them to someone who likes sour things?" Cilan started to get a little frustrated with me, but also got really sad, and he told me that sometimes you just have to eat the Iapapa Berries.

I wish I could remember what we were talking about...

But that's my particular curse, I'm super forgetful. I always was, but then I had an accident and now it's a condition. Amnesia, just like the movies where someone wakes up in a hospital and can't remember their best friends, except my memories are probably not coming back. Which is why my best friend gets really sick sometimes.

Actually, "sick" isn't the right word. I don't remember what the right word is, words are another thing I forget a lot, but it's close enough. I learned a long time ago that feelings can get really big and if you aren't careful, they can hurt you like a fist or a disease. It took a long time for me to learn how to deal with those kinds of feelings, and even now, sometimes they can sneak up and push me down. But my best friend, Pikachu, he has a harder time with that kind of thing, and he has a lot to feel sad about. He's really happy most of the time, but sometimes his feelings can sneak through when he's not expecting it.

And when that happens, he can get really sick.

Which is why on this particular day I needed to talk to him, because something really bad happened and we were both feeling awful. Some bad guys called Team Plasma had tried to capture a Reshiram and our friend N had kind of betrayed us but then helped us, and there was a scientist with a machine that could control Pokemon. We got trapped underground and had to tunnel our way out, we fought a lot of pokemon battles, met Reshiram and there was also a lot of talking. I got to understand N a bit better, and I think he was beginning to understand me. But there was more bad stuff than good, and even though we saved the day it didn't feel like we'd won yet.

I wanted to talk to Pikachu, but we never got a chance to slow down, once the police and the Interpol guy started arresting people. Everyone wanted to talk to me, and then Cilan and my friend with the purple hair demanded I go to the hospital where dozens of doctors and nurses swarmed around me and put me through all kinds of tests. We never got a moment to breathe, and all I wanted was to tell Pikachu he was my best friend, curl up with him somewhere quiet and sleep off the migraine I had.

But that chance never came, so Pikachu and I drifted further apart and my headache grew bigger. I wanted to tell Pikachu none of this was a big deal, and I wished to high heaven that he would say the same thing to me. If anyone said that, actually, I would have felt a lot better.

There's a pattern, you see, to these disasters. Because I get into a lot of trouble, even if I don't mean to. But when bad things happen, I want to protect people, and I know I can help and make a difference. My friends are strong, too, but sometimes they need me to be the hero, so I run in and help whatever needs helping and sometimes that gets kind of dangerous. But after the fact, when no one's in danger and we're all safe, they yell at me for being reckless and stupid. It's their turn to be the hero, because I can pretend I'm not scared when the world is about to end, but after I've saved it I need them to take care of me. I need them to yell and tell me how much they'd miss me if something happened, because that's when I know it's all okay. That's when I know they love me and they're going to take care of everything and I can just sit back and let them take away the feelings of almost dying or actually dying or watching someone else die, the fear, the anger, and the betrayals. They're the heroes, and they'll protect me and yell at me and tell me in some way or another that it's all going to be okay now.

But nobody was saying any of that stuff. Nobody told me it was stupid to try and get through to Pikachu while he was being controlled by that blonde guy's machine, or that I was reckless and made them worry or that everything was going to be fine. Instead, everyone looked terrified, like the world was ending and they were helpless to stop it.

And that meant I had to be the hero for just a little longer.

So I told everyone that I was fine, everything was fine, there was nothing to worry about. Until the test results came back there was no reason to feel sad or anxious about anything. I had a headache but I wasn't hurt, and the day had been intense but I wasn't upset with anyone. This was a bit of a stretch, since my migraine was threatening to split my head apart and I was so hurt and confused about the events of the day that I was on the verge of a breakdown, but I could tell that nobody was able to handle the whole truth right then. Maybe later, when the dust settled, but right now the hurts were still too close to take on anything else.

When we got back to the Pokemon Center, Pikachu ran off. I tried to chase after him, but N told me that Pikachu didn't want to see me. "He feels bad about what happened with Colress," he explained, "He needs a little time alone."

What happened with Colress was every one of my nightmares coming true. Pikachu had turned on me with nothing but hate and rage in his eyes, a sight that resonated with some of my memories before my accident. Even though I tried to calm him down, my friendship couldn't reach him, and Pikachu kept hurting me until I was knocked unconscious. If N hadn't surrendered the light stone, Pikachu probably would have kept going until he killed me.

We beat the machine later, destroyed it once and for all, but I would never forget the feeling of Pikachu's electricity, the hate on his face or the pain that wracked my body. All the black feelings that sometimes seized my heart had suddenly risen up to conquer me again, feelings that were most predominately associated with Pikachu. I knew in my head that it shouldn't be like that, but what I felt was another story, and now, Pikachu refused to talk to me. Now that the battles were over, he wouldn't look at me, wouldn't touch me, wouldn't give me a single indication that he loved me and all of that was just a nightmare.

I knew he probably felt guilty and scared, but I did, too. As far as I knew, with my shaky grasp of science, that ugly machine increased a pokemon's aggression and attack power. It didn't create anger where there wasn't any. Pikachu was forced to follow Team Plasma's commands, but I couldn't see how he could look at me with such hate unless I'd done something to put those feelings there first...

It was probably stupid of me to think that, but it had been a horrible day and I still had the Pikachu of my nightmares haunting me. More than anything, I needed a sign of kindness from the Pikachu that was my friend, but that door was closed right now and N refused to tell me where Pikachu was hiding.

N, so loyal to pokemon, able to understand the voices of their hearts but not having a single clue how to deal with a human being right in front of him. But there was nothing I could do, and in the end I made N promise to keep an eye on Pikachu and come get me if he tried to do anything stupid.

N's two friends, the pink-haired one and the girl with the braid, hung around the sidelines and I don't think they were all that interested in me. They didn't know that Pikachu shocking me was something to worry about, or that being trapped underground was an experience that could make me cry long after I'd dug my way back to the surface. I didn't feel like telling them, or N, since it was hard enough to stay strong around Purple-hair and Cilan.

Cilan was talking in a squeaky voice and looked like he might cry any second, and the friend with all the hair was jumpy and never once called me a dumb kid. They knew what happened between me and Pikachu better than I did, and they knew exactly what it meant. Their world was in danger, and someone had to step up and try to save it.

So I put on my biggest smile and kept it there until I saw some of the sparkles come back into their eyes. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I forced myself to make jokes and concentrated really hard on pronouncing all my words right. Even though I felt like running off into the woods and screaming until my heart forcibly exited my body, even though I had a migraine the size of Saffron City, even though my left hand wouldn't stop shaking no matter what and that's a _terrible_ sign, I kept the atmosphere light and casual. I told them I wasn't upset or worried about anything until even I started to believe it, and it was only after sunset that I was able to get away. It had been a long day, I told them, I was exhausted, and Nurse Joy found me a quiet room in the Pokemon Center where I could shut the door against the rest of the world.

But now that I was alone, I had no reason to keep pretending everything was okay, and all the scary, ugly feelings began to creep back over me. I leaned back against the door and just tried to breathe. The wood of the door felt rough and harsh against me, but it was real. It was strong and solid, it represented structure and smelled of nature and clean and a home away from home. It was my grounding rod to reality, but it wasn't enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

Earlier that day, N, Pikachu and I had all been trapped in an underground cavern, and it had felt so familiar in all the worst ways. I didn't really remember a lot of my accident in Unova, but the pieces I did remember were vivid and frightening, and today had dredged all that back to the surface. And then Pikachu had been hit by that beam, and suddenly looked at me with the worst expression.

No matter how loud I called or how much I tried to reach him, that Pikachu wasn't my friend anymore. I had believed in him right until I passed out, but there was no sign of the Pikachu I'd grown to trust. And then there was the pain...

I slid down to the floor and began to cry. My head had been exploding ever since I woke up in the dirt with Pikachu in my arms, and I knew that there was something wrong. I knew what the doctors would find when the test results came back, and I could pretend in front of Purple-hair and Cilan but the truth would have to come out eventually. All of this had happened before, and even if I didn't have the clear memory of it, I still could sense the familiarity of it all. Pikachu was the most powerful pokemon I'd ever trained, and after the accident in Unova had sent me to the hospital it was revealed to everyone just how dangerous his electricity could be.

I, apparently, had known long before. I'd been talking to doctors and looking into treatments but I couldn't remember why I'd never told my friends or Pikachu. Even though Pikachu would never shock me like that on purpose and always felt guilty whenever accidents occurred, everyone asks me why I didn't tell him what had happened.

I couldn't remember, but sitting alone on the floor in that room, I started to get some insight into my past self's thinking. Maybe I didn't want Pikachu to feel responsible, as he did now, for something he couldn't control. Maybe I didn't want him to look at me, like everyone else did, like I was weak and broken.

But most of all, I probably thought that if I told him what he'd done to me, he'd run away and leave me alone to face the darkness, and today he proved me right.

I curled up on the floor in that darkened room and sobbed as harshly as I could while still muffling the sound with my hands. My head splintered and seared, my heart was burning with hurt, betrayal and shame, and fear was accosting me from every corner. I had been scared back there, and the thought of the future scared me even more, my best friend had hurt me and now wouldn't even let me see him. And on the other side of the door all my friends were standing on the edge of a precipice, hoping that the ground didn't give way underneath them.

Tomorrow I would wake up and keep playing hero for as long as it took for everyone to feel strong again. If the worst happened that could be a long time, but these were my friends. I didn't want them to feel hurt and scared like I was feeling, not if I could protect them. Even though I have trouble remembering things, I remember feelings really well, and I will never forget what it felt like to watch everyone else break. I remember Mom cried, I remember how dead Gary looked, I remember Max being afraid and Cilan fighting with the other friend who cooks. The friend with the purple hair disappeared for awhile because I couldn't remember her name, and it still hurts her that I need to be reminded every other day. The wine girl still goes a little crazy when she sees me.

And Pikachu... Pikachu fell apart so fantastically that I don't think he's ever going to recover completely. Some of that damage was permanent, and some of it was kind of my fault. Being around me has hurt him about as much as his electricity hurt me, and I didn't want him to experience that again. I didn't want any of them to have to go through this again.

And for their sake, I would find the strength to be a hero. Tomorrow, I would wake up and put on a smile, find the positives and bat down everyone's ugly feelings. I was good at that, and even if my world was going up in flames, I would keep fighting it for the sake of my friends, for as long as it took. I'd faced down things that would have sent most people running for the hills. I'd lived through a lot, and died through a fair amount, too. I knew how to keep it together. If my friends needed me, I could grit my teeth and keep it together like a champion.

But right at that moment, where no one could see, I wasn't a hero or a Pokemon Master or anything special. I was just a scared little kid without his best friend, and I didn't know if I could fight this.

Cilan was right, sometimes you just have to eat the stupid Iapapa Berries.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Together We Make A Promise

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~ ...we've only scratched the surface of worlds we'll come to know...~

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When I woke up, Black wouldn't let me breathe.

I hate Black. Black is everything dark and ugly that hides in the shadows, and it terrifies me. It visits me in the night and it creeps up behind the good things and makes them scary. Black is always hiding in a shadow somewhere, but when it gets close, it can take me over. It can make me scream until I don't have control of my body anymore, or scare me so bad that my mind separates from reality. Black can do anything to me and when it gets close, everything hurts.

Of course, Black isn't a person. But just because it doesn't exist the same way other things do doesn't make it any less real, or less frightening. When I close my eyes and think, I can remember Black, and so many memories tied up in it, but that only ends up hurting me, so I try not to. It's better to try and remember Yellow.

Yellow is everything good and wonderful in the world, and I love Yellow. I love Yellow so much it hurts, but Yellow is my heart and soul so that's okay. Sometimes Yellow can break me apart in the same way Black does, but that's only because Yellow is so much larger than I am, and it's a kind of hurt that I don't mind so much. Sometimes I'm not ready for it, but too much love and joy doesn't leave me broken, even if it can get a little painful and overwhelming.

I have so many good memories inside Yellow, and just like Black, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can get little glimpses of them. Tiny snatches, but I can't ever hold them close and get a good look. The memories are always just out of reach.

But today, Black had me. I could taste dust and feel weight pressing on me, even though I was safely in a bed at a Pokemon Center. It was hard to breathe but I tried to focus on good things and eventually my anxiety did come down to the point where I could sit up in bed. The heavy and nervous feelings hadn't completely disappeared, but I could deal with them now, and Black was a little more removed.

The others were gone, and had left their beds all messy. I could smell breakfast cooking, and hear friendly voices outside the door. It was all pleasant and familiar, but something was still wrong, something was missing. That feeling grew stronger when I reached for my journal.

Some_one_ was missing. I wasn't usually alone right now, and with that realization, everything felt wrong. But when I tried to think about the missing friend, I couldn't, because Black was there. Every thought led back to Black and it was too scary to think about. I couldn't even open my journal, feeling Black looming in the back of my mind and telling me I wouldn't like what I found there.

So I put my journal down, got dressed and went to breakfast, where there were happy voices and friends to protect me, and Black retreated back into a distant memory.

My friends had smiles on their faces, but they also looked a little tired. My journal might have told me why, but once again, I had the impression that I didn't really want to know. A fog was settling over my brain, hiding the unpleasant things that would lead me to frightening thoughts. Eating was simple, smiling was do-able, but thinking was impossible.

So I didn't. I sat down and stuffed my face full of food and didn't have a single care until the girl with the purple hair asked me, "Has Pikachu come back yet?"

**YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! DON'T EVEN TRY RUNNING, YOU CAN'T ESCAPE! NOTHING'S SAFE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

I shrieked and pushed back from the table, knocking my plate and glass to the floor as my chair and I went flying backwards and over. The girl with the hair was by my side in seconds, but I pushed her away and scrambled to the far side of the room.

**LOOK AT HIS SNARLING TEETH AND RED EYES! TOUCH HIM AND HE'LL FRY YOU! THERE'S NO WHERE YOU CAN RUN! I'LL FIND YOU AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! THERE'S NOWHERE SAFE! NOTHING YOU CAN TRUST, EVEN HE TURNED ON YOU! YOU CAN'T REACH HIM AND THEN HE'LL BE HURT AND YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE! NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU!**

"What's wrong, Ash?" Cilan's voice was far from calm, but it was quiet, and he held N back and motioned for the girl with the purple hair to take a few steps away from me. It was a little less threatening without her crowding, but it didn't stop all the memories...

Memories of lightning and thunder, memories of pain and hate. Rage and tears and dying and _Pikachu..._ **SCREAM ALL YOU WANT, YOU CAN'T REACH HIM! RED EYES, SPARKING CHEEKS, LIGHTNING RUSHING THROUGH EVERYTHING! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! NOTHING IS SAFE! YOU'RE LOSING EVERYTHING! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I'LL FIND YOU AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

_Just breathe, _I kept telling myself. _ This will go away, it always does. They're just feelings, they can't hurt you. _But what if this time it was real? Meanwhile, Cilan and the friend with the hair were trying to talk to me.

"Everything's fine, Ash. Just tell us what you need." **THEY CAN'T SAVE YOU! NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! I'M GOING TO CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU UNTIL THERE'S NO AIR LEFT FOR SCREAMING! YOU'RE GOING TO FALL FOR A MILLION YEARS AND NEVER HIT BOTTOM! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE AND THEY'LL ALL JUST LAUGH AT YOU! PINK AND BLUE LIGHTS STREAKING TOWARD YOU, SINKING INTO THE RED BUT HIS HAND IS GOING TO LET GO AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!**

"What's going on? Ash!" N all but shrieked, and I responded in kind.

"Sh-shut up, shut up!" He was too loud, they were all standing too close to me and Black was pressing on me like a waterfall. I wrenched my eyes shut and tried to take slow breaths. These were just feelings, nothing was really hurting me. My heart couldn't keep hammering away at a million miles an hour so if I just waited, it would start to slow down. Breathing would get easier. Just like therapy, I'd done this a million times before and I could live through scary things. Meanwhile, Cilan tried to calm down N.

"Ash just tasted something unpleasant. Let's give him a minute, shall we?" His voice was soft and soothing, so calm in the face of all my memories. All my friends were there, not smothering me, but close enough to rescue me if I needed it. They weren't scared, and I didn't need to worry about them.

So I forced myself to think of Pikachu. More than any image Black could conjure up, there was this concept in my mind of "Pikachu". It had color, yellow with red cheeks and stripes. Brown eyes and a pink little tongue that tickled when it licked my cheek. There was a weariness in my shoulder that belonged to it, and a smirk on the corner of my mouth that it claimed for it's own. It owned most of my tears and all the feelings in my heart and it probably owned my soul but I didn't mind that.

Pikachu wasn't an abstract concept brought about by Black, but a being just as real as I was. He had a name and a personality, he had strengths and weaknesses. He could get scrapes and bruises, he sometimes needed to sleep, you could talk to Pikachu and reason with him or hurt his feelings. I could touch him, and he felt soft and warm.

Pikachu was a real person. Not a monster that lived in my nightmares. A living, breathing pokemon and also the friend I loved with all my heart. The one all my happy memories lived with, and the one I would do anything for.

And Pikachu was gone. He left somewhere and hadn't come back, because of what happened yesterday. I opened my eyes and looked into the faces of my worried friends. "I-I'm fine, I... um, I'm sorry, I just..."

"It's fine, Ash. You don't have to apologize."

"But I..." My chair was overturned and my food was splattered all over the floor. The cup of water still dripped off the table and dribbled onto the rest of the mess. I stumbled over and tried to clean some of it up "...r-ruined b-breakfast, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." My breathing was still a little ragged, and my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't pick up the plate. "Don't know why, d-don't know why I g-got so sca-scared, so s-scared..."

"Don't worry about it, Ash. I'll get this."

"There's plenty more food to go around." Cilan and the girl with the hair cleaned up the mess and sat me down in my chair. They brought over a new breakfast plate and a glass as if nothing extraordinary had happened, but N still gaped at me with terror in his eyes. That look made me more nervous, and I wondered how much he knew about me.

It would be pretty hard to travel with somebody without explaining my amnesia, so we must have told him a little about the accident. And we probably explained the aphasia, even though I've been through tons of speech therapy and I actually speak pretty well now. I stutter a lot less and don't repeat phrases as often, and it's pretty rare for me to mix up my words, too. Of course, when I'm scared all bets are off, and it was embarrassing to sit in front of N and not be able to string together coherent sentences. My other friends were used to it, but N wasn't, and his reaction made me feel tiny and broken.

"Um, yesterday, uh... P-pikachu shocked me, didn't he?" I asked Cilan, and he nodded.

"He didn't mean to. A scientist called Colress was controlling him." Right, there was a machine, and a red beam of light. Pikachu wasn't in his pokeball, so he got caught.

"But we beat it, r-right?" Again, Cilan nodded, and I felt a little relieved. But I still remembered flashes of light and pain and small burns on my arms. Even now, they itched with the memory. "Did I have to go to the hospital?"

"The doctors examined you, but we haven't heard back on the results yet." He didn't assure me that everything would be fine. I wished he would, but there was so much fear surrounding those memories that he probably didn't dare give me false hope. So I thanked Cilan and tried not to act worried about anything. There was no point stressing ourselves out until the doctors got back to us.

The girl with the hair plunked herself back in her chair and started devouring pancakes, and the little dragon pokemon jumped out of her hair to join her. I have such a hard time remembering her name. All I remembered was it had something to do with rainbows. It's short, I could see it like a block in my head, but I couldn't make out the letters. Of course, sooner or later somebody would call her by her name and then I'd know, but I wanted to try and get it on my own first. Especially after freaking out today, I felt like I should try and do something nice to make up for it.

That, and focusing on her name took my mind off how nervous I still felt. I watched her for a minute and tried to remember some other clues. Rainbows, purple... those were the things I associated with her name, but nothing else was springing to mind. She caught me staring at her and smiled. "Are you feeling better? Is your headache gone?"

"Huh?"

"You said you had a headache yesterday," she said while stuffing another pancake into her mouth. "Are you feeling better?" I had nothing to compare it to. I couldn't remember how I'd felt yesterday, or if anything had improved. There was a small tension headache coming on from having my heart rev up to a million miles an hour, but other than that, I felt fine.

"I'm good... thanks..." Flowers. Purple flowers, that was part of her name. That, and rainbows, and something about eyes. These were my clues. "I feel fine." '_I_', that's the sound, that's why '_eyes_' was a clue! And something else with eyes, colors, like circles... but it sounds like '_eyes_'...

"Iris..." My friend looked up and I knew I'd finally gotten it!

"Yeah?"

"Iris! Um, could you pass the salt, _Iris_?" I was excited, but Iris didn't even bat an eye at the sound of her name. It was a little disappointing, after I'd tried so hard.

But why should she be so excited that I could remember something nobody else ever forgot? Remembering a friend's name was so mundane, something we all expected to happen. No one was going to give me a gold star for meeting the bare minimum in human interaction.

Meanwhile, N had finally worked up enough courage to talk. "What just happened?"

"I had a, um... I guess, it's a panic attack?" I looked at Iris to make sure I had the right words. "I got scared for a second, but I'm okay now. It happens sometimes." But not in a long time. I couldn't really be sure, but I couldn't remember feeling that scared in ages. Not to the point of losing control like that. Cilan and Iris would remember better, but as calm as they were, they looked nervous too, like this wasn't expected.

"Scared of what? You started screaming for no reason!" No, there was a reason. A huge reason, but N couldn't see it. The things I'm scared of are real to me, even if I can admit they're a bit irrational.

But since N was determined to talk about this, I took a deep breath and tried to explain. It would probably have to come out eventually. "I'm, uh, really scared of Pikachu. Like, not all the time!" I corrected myself, and tried to think of a clearer way to say my thoughts. "He's really powerful, and um, I don't always remember why my heart has such big feelings for him. When I had my accident, um, when I had my accident, he was there, and it's all a big knot in my head." N still looked confused. "Like, all the memories and feelings are tied together and I can't separate it. Sometimes it all comes at once, and it's scarey, because I can't untangle all the threads..." Sometimes it felt more like a jigsaw puzzle, and if I had a few pieces at a time I could put most of it together, but some days I would be drowning in tiny pieces and not be able to sort anything out.

N didn't look like he understood. "It's not bad..." I assured him. N didn't need to be scared, I was going to be fine. Sometimes things were overwhelming, but I knew how to handle those fears. They could still affect me, but they didn't control my life anymore. "But I was hurt, so now my brain has trouble..." I knew this word, it started with 'P', "Proggi-um-processing the feelings and memories. And Pikachu has tons of memories- I mean, he, um, I feel lots of stuff when he's around, and get confused..." I wasn't getting anywhere, just talking myself in circles.

Cilan stepped in to rescue us. "The accident was really traumatic, and sometimes Pikachu can trigger panic attacks." There it was. Clear, concise, technical terms... I used to be able to do that, didn't I? I wasn't ever book smart enough to know big words, but I used to be able to express things in one sentence. Talking used to be easy.

But now N seemed to understand, for the most part. "But I thought Pikachu was your best friend."

"He is." Just because my brain is a jumbled up mess doesn't change that. It just makes life hard, sometimes. For Pikachu, too, not just me. Wherever he was, he was probably just as scared, thinking I was afraid of him.

I needed to talk to him. We had to sort this out, but I was way too worked up to budge from my chair. Meanwhile, N was nodding to himself. "That explains Pikachu's behavior yesterday." N can listen to the hearts of pokemon, so he can understand Pikachu in a way that I can't. It makes me a little jealous sometimes, but I learn a lot from watching him and right now, Pikachu probably needs someone who can hear the voice of his heart.

"Is he all right?" _Please tell me he didn't run off and do something stupid. _ N nodded, but a little hesitantly.

"He's really upset. I kept trying to talk to him, but he insisted he wanted to be alone. He keeps saying that, but his heart is screaming the opposite..." That was Pikachu, all right. At least, the Pikachu I knew. The one who had to go through all this until he shattered from the pressure. No matter what I was feeling, I needed to get out there and talk to Pikachu, let him know everything was okay between us.

Hopefully he'd tell me the same thing and then we could both stop worrying. "I, um, I'm gonna go find Pikachu..."

"That's probably a good idea," Cilan agreed as I got up from my seat. "N, do you know where he might be?"

"Try the big apple tree, near the entrance to the forest," N offered. "That's where he was earlier." I could see a picture of the tree in my mind's eye, and once my friends pointed me in the right direction I set out on my mission.

I hated how nervous I could get about Pikachu. I knew how stupid it was, knew how many fun times we'd had and how he never betrayed my trust, but there were all these feelings in my heart that wouldn't go away. I wanted to forget them, and the fact that I had them at all was hurting both me and Pikachu.

But no one can control feelings. They come when they feel like it, and the only thing I can do is decide that they won't control me. I stopped under the apple tree and looked up into the branches.

"P-pi..." My voice died in my throat, and I grit my teeth. I couldn't let some stupid fears hold me back. _Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, dear..._ "Pi~ka~chu~!" There it was. "Pikachu! It's me! I wanna talk to you!" Silence greeted me from the tree. I poked around a little more and eventually saw a small flash of yellow in a berry bush.

"Hey!" Pikachu darted away from me, deeper into the woods. _Oh no, you don't! _ "Wait up!" I chased after him, continuing to call out until he finally gave up and turned around.

"_Cha~"_ he said wearily, and I felt a little bit guilty, like I was intruding on him.

"I, just..." With him in front of me, my nervousness had doubled. "C-can we talk?" Talking appeared to be the last thing Pikachu wanted to do, but he nodded and allowed me to take a few steps closer. "That thing yesterday, with the machine, it was controlling you, right?" Pikachu looked angry, and it made me nervous even though I was fairly sure he wasn't angry with me. "You know it wasn't your fault what happened, or the things you said..."

"_Pikaa, that's no excuse you still got hurt,"_ Pikachu spat and I flinched at his seething rage. I wish I hadn't though because it made Pikachu look even more sullen and morose.

"It's not like, I mean..." Why wouldn't he look at me? "It's over now, the world's not ending..." That triggered something in Pikachu, and he balled up his fists and stamped his foot, furious about something.

"_Pika, pikachu! Pika pi don't understand! You're always like this, pikapika cha~ pikachu!" _ Always like what? What was I doing to tick him off now? _"And now the pika-pika, but pikachu and the bad guys don't have pi pika, we're the ones, pika, have to deal with it!"_

"And we will, it's going to be fine," I tried to soothe, and while Pikachu did calm down a little, his overall mood didn't improve. When I knelt down and tried to touch him, he pulled away from me like I was a hot stove. "You mad at me?"

"_No,"_ Pikachu sighed. _ "It's not you, pika pikapi. I just hate all this pikachu and I don't want it to happen again."_

"Well, I'm fine. I'm not hurt." For the moment, as far as we knew. And Pikachu picked up on that, he wasn't an idiot.

"_Pika the last time you told me you were fine?"_ he challenged, but I was distracted by his red cheeks. They were glowing in a weird way, not sparking, but they had a funny sort of halo around them, like they were giving off an aura.

I rubbed my eyes a bit but the lights didn't go away, and they were starting to blind me. _"Pika~?"_ I blinked a few times, until the lights died down, but now that I could see properly, Pikachu was going berserk. _"Pikapi! PiKachu?"_

"Don' have to scream in my ear," I muttered, but I was secretly pleased that Pikachu was making eye contact with me now. Even if his eyes contained mostly horror. "Whatsss wrong?"

"_You tell me!"_ Pikachu clutched my pant legs while N appeared at my side. Where did he come from?

I didn't know he was following me. "Ash, tell us what happened! Are you okay?" N demanded, while Pikachu kept repeating the same.

"I'm fine!" I was getting a little frustrated with them, but also myself. "I must've spaced out for a second..." I was sitting on the ground now, leaning against a tree. I didn't remember doing that.

"_Pika..."_ Pikachu looked at me dubiously and I frowned right back.

"I said, I feel fine."

"_Pikachu! Pikapi, pipikapika!"_ Pikachu began a small tirade, and N translated. "Pikachu would prefer you told him the truth this time."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Pikachu!" I snapped back. "I feel weird, something feels wrong, but I don't _know_ what because I don't f-feel hurt! Feel the same..." I couldn't describe it, couldn't find the words. "I feel weird, but I don't feel _hurting_, so... but I went to the doctors, they-they did all the tests so I don't know what you want from me!" Finally Pikachu sighed, and N leaned back.

"I think he's telling the truth, Pikachu."

"Of course I am!" I was going to protest more, but N fixed me with a look, one that was both stern and filled with hidden terror.

"Ash, Pikachu called me over because you were spaced out for several minutes," he told me tersely. "We were yelling in your face and you didn't even respond."

"I..." I didn't have anything to say to that. "I don't know, I don't remember..." I looked over to Pikachu, who had gone back to avoiding eye contact. "Just a second, then Pikachu was going crazy..."

"_And now this, pikachu, thought it couldn't get worse."_

"Pikachu, it's going to be okay." I reached out a hand to touch him, and suddenly Pikachu turned on me, sparking his cheeks.

**HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!** I jumped back and pressed myself into the tree before getting ahold of myself, and Pikachu's cheeks returned to normal, a rueful, depressed look on his face. When he finally met my terrified stare, his eyes were full of pain.

"_It's never going to be okay."_

* * *

My therapist always has a really calm smile, no matter what the situation. Even if I'm breaking down in tears and telling him all sorts of horrible things, his expression is like the ocean on a calm summer day. I can't remember him ever getting upset or angry, which may not mean much coming from me, but it's something I appreciate about him. However big my troubles might seem, his face stays calm, like there's no problem I have that we can't work through.

I mean, that doesn't make him perfect, sometimes I want to punch that calm, smiling face, but he's good at what he does. All my doctors and therapists have been good, and they had their work cut out for them straightening me out, but when I met this guy, I remember this big sense of relief. Like, "he really gets me," or something like that, I felt like he understood my feelings better than I did.

Which is what I needed right now, someone in the world who could understand how I felt, since I wasn't getting anywhere explaining it to my friends. The videophone finally connected the call and that calm face flickered to life in front of me. "Hello, Ash. I wasn't expecting you to call for another few days, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I'm, no, I- I just want to... I don't know..." Ugh, why were words so hard for me today?

"Take your time." I took a few deep breaths while my therapist patiently waited, and eventually composed my thoughts into something coherent.

"I had, um, there was an accident... I'm-well, Pikachu, he... he didn't mean to! But I-I got shocked really bad..." Wow, that was a mess.

"Are you okay now?"

"I'm... I don't know..." And that was the problem. "I went to the hospital and they did some tests... but I haven't heard back yet. Soon, though. Going back today..." And then what? If something was really wrong, what would I do? "Pikachu won't let me talk to him. Not really, anyway, I tried, but we mostly just argued... I think he feels bad..."

"Well, are you surprised? Pikachu cares a lot about you."

"Yeah..." Of course he felt bad about this, any friend would. But I needed him to be that friend, not moping in the corner and giving me reason to believe all my nightmares were coming true. "I don't know what's gonna happen... I think I'm hurt big, I mean... I think something bad happened..." It was so hard to say that out loud, after trying so hard to wipe that thought from everybody elses' heads.

"What makes you think that, Ash? You said yourself you haven't had the test results back yet. " Still the calm, reassuring smile. _ So what? _ It seemed to say, _you've dealt with scary things before. We can find a way to get you through this. _

It was hard to trust that, but nice all the same. "I know, b-but it feels wr-wrong, everything f-feels w-wrong, I-I know something's w-wrong..."

"Don't panic," he told me, and I remembered I needed to take regular breaths. "Are you in any pain right now?"

"No... but..." Pain wasn't what I was afraid of. "M-my fingers won't stop shaking and I know what that's about, that's bad and I-my headache goes away but I can't relax and and Pikachu won't talk to me, won't even let me look at him... I'm scared!" I couldn't stay calm, I couldn't keep my thoughts and words organized, I was falling apart...

"It's okay to feel scared, Ash. I think any person would be." Except my therapist, he was blessed with the serenity of a monk.

"Yeah, but earlier, I kinda freaked out... about Pikachu, they said his name and I just lost it..." A whole screaming fit, right in front of N, just what I needed. "And I haven't done that in... forever...I don't lose it like that anymore."

"So?" He was always doing that, asking little questions that trivialized everything and turned it around.

But he wouldn't ever let me get away without answering. "I... I guess... I don't wanna go back to the... the dark place... You know, that one time?" They had to take me to a special psychiatric hospital because I'd completely lost touch with reality. Because Pikachu had tried to scare me on purpose. Because I had let the darkness get to him first. "Not just then, but the other days, too... Don't want to be scared of good things and too tired to be happy and... lost again..."

My first journal, the one my friend got me, is so sad. When I read the entries and look at the little scribbles, it all seems familiar, but I don't know the person that wrote it. The feelings come back with a vengeance, but I can't believe they were really mine, because I don't know how I ever lived through them.

And I know I won't live through them again. "Ash, it sounds like this is a very stressful time for you." Understatement of the year. "But it's okay to let yourself feel these feelings. Sadness, fear and frustration are a normal part of life, and you don't need to be afraid of feeling that." That smile shone through the screen like a lighthouse in the dark. "I think you already know everything I'm going to say to you."

"Yeah," I mumbled, "No point getting scared about being scared..."

"That's right. You can make yourself sick with worry over something that isn't even an issue yet. My advice is to wait for your test results to get back and fill your time with something that relaxes you." Easier said than done, but I knew he was right. "Just focus on taking care of yourself. It's okay to be scared and angry, but but those feelings don't have to control you."

"Right," I sighed, and my therapist chuckled a little. "Guess I'm worried over nothing."

"It's not nothing. Both Pikachu and your health are important. But you have lots of people to help you through it, and you know you can handle anything that comes up."

I used to believe that. I came so far, over so many obstacles... "But what if this time I can't?"

The calm washed over me like a wave. "No problem is so big that you can't climb over it, even if you can only take one tiny step at a time. You're stronger than you think you are, Ash." With his assurance, I did feel a bit better. Whatever happened, I could deal with it, we could make plans, we would get through this. It didn't have to be anything like last time.

We chatted for a little bit longer before I ended the call and went back outside. Taking my therapist's advice, I spent the rest of the day playing with my Pokemon and battling anybody who was willing, the one activity sure to keep me in a good mood. I kept hoping Pikachu would return and join us, but he stayed wherever he was hiding.

When it came time to re-visit the doctor, Pikachu still hadn't made an appearance. Now even N was starting to get worried, and asked me what we should do. After thinking about it, I decided to leave Pikachu be until after the doctor visit, and N resolved to keep an eye on him in the meantime.

"I think he'd want to go with you, though," N told me, "He's really worried about you, and he wants to hear what the doctor has to say." I bit my lip, but decided to stick with my plan.

"It's better if he doesn't," I sighed, even though I felt like I was betraying my friend. "If he comes with me, h-he'll jussss get sick and t-tortssure himself, himself..."

N gave me a confused look and I grimaced. "Huh?" Maybe it was the stress, or all my heavy feelings settling in, but it seemed like communicating was getting harder, when I had been doing so well...

"When he feels bad," I said with deliberation, over-pronouncing every word and trying to affect some control, "He tries to find things that hurt m-more, to change the first feeling..." N looked like he still didn't get it, and I felt like kicking something. There was a word for this, I used to know what it was, but I couldn't remember what it was called. "After my accident, Pikachu got sick, but it's not like a cold." I was sick, too, for a long time, with that word I can't remember. Both Pikachu and I had to live with terrible, crushing feelings or long stretches where there should have been feelings but there weren't, because even little feelings had become too much too deal with. And unlike a cold, healing didn't necessarily mean the sickness went away.

N didn't understand, but I knew what it was like when feelings poisoned you. I knew what it felt like to hurt so much that hurting yourself more seemed like the only way to feel good again, and I had a scar on my left wrist that would never let me forget that it doesn't work. Pikachu liked to hurt himself with more feelings, even if he didn't always realize he was doing that, and I didn't want to give him the opportunity. "I'll tell him after."

N nodded, but his face took on a worried look. "Ash," he said in a voice that sounded like a confused little kid at a funeral, "What's really going on? This shouldn't be as big of a deal as Pikachu's making it out to be."

It shouldn't have been. Other trainers didn't have to think about whether or not they would have to find a way to tell their pokemon they were going to die from their attacks. And I shouldn't have had to tell this to N, either. I wanted to be his friend for years and years, I wanted to talk with him about all sorts of things and know why he felt so strongly about all the things he was so opinionated about. I wanted to tell him how I felt and see if our two opposing ideas could find some sort of harmony.

I liked being his friend. I liked being friends with Iris and Cilan. I loved being Pikachu's partner. I loved Unova, I loved home and all the regions I'd visited and all the ones I had yet to see and every single one of my pokemon.

I shouldn't have had to tell any of them that they were going to lose me. "Pikachu's 'lectric attacks can be really powerful, and I got really hurt... So everybody's worried I might get hurt again."

"Because of the accident with the tornado?"

"No, this was before..." Although that certainly hadn't helped anything. "Like, Pikachu shocked me, you know, really big? Um, that, like... I got really sick. Like, brain surgery. It wasn't sending messages right because of all the shocking, and it's fine now, but if the problem gets worse..." Then there isn't a surgeon on earth who can save me.

N looked sick. "That can't happen," he stated flatly, and I almost rolled my eyes. He wouldn't be the first person to think that, and I probably wouldn't have believed it myself if I didn't have a big medical file to prove it. "Pikachu wouldn't do that, he couldn't! There's no way his attacks are strong enough!"

"Well, they are," I sighed. "'Ssssnot like he did it on purpose." I watched N try to process this.

"So, when Pikachu shocks you with Thunderbolt, it's giving you brain damage?"

"Only the big attacks! It was an accident, never 'cause he wanted to!"

"And Pikachu shocked you while under Colress' control..." The more N caught on, the more I regretted ever telling him anything.

"That's why everyone's worried," I said. "But we don't know anything yet." _You just keep telling yourself that, Ketchum. _ "Might be nothing..."

"Sure..." N wasn't very good at false positivity. Or real positivity, sometimes N was a very negative person.

"Don't worry, it's gonna be okay," I repeated the same words I'd been saying to so many people. I could hold this together for a little bit longer, play the hero for all the people who needed it. I could stay strong for my friends. "Nothing to worry about yet, it's gonna be fine."

And I kept telling myself that all the way to the hospital.

* * *

The doctor and nurses were all very friendly when I arrived. Too friendly. Not that I expected them to be mean or something, but I was just a strange kid passing through town.

There was no reason to make this much effort to be nice to me. "Have there been any changes since yesterday?" Cilan, Iris and I all sat down in these uncomfortable plastic chairs, and I answered the doctor's question as best I could.

"Um, I feel pretty good, like, nothing hurts..." Admittedly, I didn't have a clear recollection of yesterday, but I seemed to remember that _everything_ hurt back then. "Sometimes my hand, um, usually this one," I held out my left arm, "Starts shaking, just a little... Oh! I saw lights!"

"Lights?" the doctor repeated.

"Yeah, um, like, the lights got really bright and I kinda spaced out, was really weird."

"I see..." The doctor wrote a note on his clipboard. "How often would you say that's happened?"

"Just once."

"No, it was more like four times," Iris interrupted. I turned my head towards her in surprise while she looked at Cilan to confirm. "Right? At lunch, and then outside, and while we were watching television..."

"Yes," he agreed, and at my shock, both of them give me curious looks. "You don't remember?"

"No, I remember," I lied. "Just... I dunno..." What was happening to me? "But I feel fine..."

This would have been a fantastic time for someone to tell me not to worry. But instead, the doctor had me looking over my MRI and EEG results, blood tests and other data until it all seemed to blur together. "You can see here that there's a significant difference between the two garbldergarble..." Everything was overwhelming, I was starting to tune out. "Garbledgarbugarber not suprising that you're experiencing seizures of this nature." I shook my head and tried to concentrate. "Ash?"

"I'm sorry, I, uh..." This was important, I needed to focus. "What does that mean? I don't understand."

I heard Iris sigh, but the doctor didn't act impatient with me. Not that the tone of his voice was super-relaxing. "The cells in your brain are dying as a result of the massive electric shock you received, which is why you're experiencing these seizures." My heart fell, even though I'd suspected all along that I wouldn't make it out of this one unscathed. "As the degeneration continues, these symptoms will become more severe and may lead to other motor complications or atrophy. I also expect your speech and cognitive functions to become affected as the condition progresses."

"So, do I have to get surgery again?" I asked, not liking the prospect. I shuddered to imagine all the blood and scalpels and being unconscious while my head was cut open. I wasn't sure I could afford to lose much more of my brain, anyway. "Like before? Do I have to get..." I trailed off when I saw the doctor's face.

"Ash," he said in a voice that froze all my insides with it's compassion. "I'm afraid there isn't a cure. The best we can do is try to relieve your current symptoms." No...

_NO!_

"What do you mean?" Iris cried, raising her voice since I couldnt' find my own. "Is Ash going to...?" She couldn't say it.

And I couldn't think of anything else. ** I TOLD YOU, THIS WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAPPEN! YOU'LL GET WORSE AND WORSE UNTIL YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU! HE CAN'T SAVE YOU, HE DOESN'T WANT TO SAVE YOU! LIKE THE BIRDS, LIKE THE BLUE AND PINK LIGHTS, SINKING INTO THE RED UNTIL HIS HAND LETS GO AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

One bad day. Some bad guys tried to hurt Pokemon and all I did was try to help people. But the bad guys got to live and I had to die. Not in a heroic way, either, it was going to be slow and painful, I was going to look so weak and helpless...

And everybody was going to suffer right along with me. Pikachu would blame himself, some of our friends would blame him, Mom would cry, Gary would get weird again, and tons of other casualties. Right now, Iris was nervous and fidgety, voice squeaking all over the place, while Cilan was pale and rigid, like a stone. Our world was collapsing, everything we knew was being threatened by an enemy we couldn't see.

But I was a Pokemon Master, or I hoped to be, and that meant there couldn't be any force I was afraid to battle. "Okay, 'sss gonna be okay," I breathed out, hoping to instill some calm in the three of us. "Gonna be okay, we can deal with this, right?" With my pleading, probably desperate look, the doctor launched right into a list of medicines and machines that could help, from anti-convulsives to ventilators to a bunch of words that sounded like he had to be making them up. "And can I keep training, right?" I could live through scary, difficult things, I'd managed my physical challenges up to this point without having to give up my life's goal. No matter what extra hurdles I had to jump through, if there was a way to do this, I would find it.

And then the other shoe dropped. "You may not have that much time." It was like he was trying to tell me that up was down, or blue was red. "I'm sorry, Ash."

**NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU! YOU'RE A FAILURE! ALL THOSE YEARS WERE A WASTE, AND YOU'LL DIE ALONE WITH NO ONE TO MISS YOU!**

I wanted Mom, I wanted Pikachu, I wanted somebody to hold me and tell me this was all a bad dream. But even with Iris and Cilan right there beside me, I felt so alone. Nobody would tell me, "Ash, you're an idiot, but it's all gonna be okay."

What was I going to tell Pikachu? What words could I possibly say to him? And would he still love me once he learned how breakable I was?

It wasn't just Pikachu, I had to tell Mom, my team, all our friends at Professor Oak's lab, every one of the friends I used to travel with. Even Dad would have to be told sooner or later. And what then? I was supposed to be training my team to stand through anything, but how could they be the best if their trainer was so weak?

Could I ask them to stay by my side all the way to the end?

"H-how l-long?" I choked out, barely able to believe this was real. I'd lived through all sorts of calamities, endured all sorts of hardships, but I was going to be stopped here? _I came back from the dead,_ and I couldn't beat this?

"It all depends on how rapidly your condition progresses and what areas are affected first," he said, "I don't have enough data right now to make a prediction. It could be anywhere from a couple years to a couple months."

"_PiKAA!"_ We heard a squeak from outside the window, and I recognized it instantly. I was on my feet in seconds and racing out the nearest door, while Pikachu took off like a shot.

"Pikachu!" That little brat! He wouldn't come out of the shadows and actually talk with me, _no_, wouldn't go with me to the hospital when I needed his support, but he'd sneak around behind my back and get drunk on new reasons to hate himself while I worried myself sick!

I loved him to death, but there were some days I wanted to punch him in the face. "P-pikachu, don't you _dare_ run away from me!" I think he thought I was mad at him for another reason, because his whole body froze in obvious fear.

But he skidded to an immediate stop because he's Pikachu, and seeing that, all my frustration with him flew away. Pikachu fell apart after my first big accident, and I was too busy with my own problems to notice how hurt he was. This time, I had the gift of perspective, if I was going to go that far and say there was a silver lining.

Maybe I was dying, but this time I wasn't going to take Pikachu down with me, not if I could help it.

"Pikachu, please listen to me..."

"_Pikaaa!"_ he cried in such a heartbroken voice. He looked so tiny and small, so helpless and afraid.

I locked eyes with him and tried to use that to convey all the things I didn't know how to say. "Don't cry, please, it's gonna be okay." I would make it okay. I had to. "We're friends, p-partners, right? We're gonna get through th-this." No more stuttering, I had to calm down. I had to project confidence.

I had to convince him to stay. "I need you..." Pikachu's eyes filled with tears and he gave me the saddest look I've ever seen.

"_You don't need this." _ And then he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: **風といっしょに** (Together With The Wind)

* * *

~ 歩きつづけて どこまで ゆくの？風に たずねられて たちどまる (How far will you go as you continue to walk? The wind asks me that, and I stand still) ~

* * *

I'm not as good at being spontaneous as I used to be. Everyone says I'm completely unpredictable, and maybe I can be, but that's not how I see it. In my world, there are certain boundaries or zones that are marked differently than for other people. A pokemon battle is a free zone, for the most part, anything can happen, any idea I can come up with is a possibility.

But getting up in the morning is not a free zone, there is a structure and a process and if one thing is missing, then you might as well have turned the world upside down.

It took me twenty minutes to realize that Pikachu was the missing piece in my routine. And those twenty minutes were agony, not knowing where I kept my clean socks, where I put my journal, what was that thing I was supposed to do today, what city was I in... I brushed my hair and got dressed before I remembered that taking a shower comes before both of those things. I stared at my pill bottles in a daze until I had to admit I had no idea which day it was or what I was supposed to be taking when, before finally finding my journal and realizing there was a chart stapled in there that explained it all.

Pikachu usually helps me with all that stuff, just by being there. If he's the first thing I see when I wake up, then who cares if the room feels unfamiliar? Pikachu's with me, he's not worried, he'll tell me if I need to panic about something. Before I do anything, Pikachu makes sure my journal's within reach, Pikachu reminds me when I forget things or prompts me if I need to know something, but most of all, he's just himself. He doesn't act like any of this is a big deal, like his trainer is a helpless invalid. He treats our morning routine like it's normal, something you don't even have to think about, like brushing teeth or tying shoes. Something simple, but it means the world to me.

But today, Pikachu wasn't there and that made everything feel wrong. Everything screamed with unfamiliarity and I didn't have any confidence in what I was doing. By the time I finally was dressed and ready for the day, it felt like I had climbed Mount Moon.

I faced myself in the mirror and pulled on my baseball cap. I didn't like the eyes that stared back at me, they seemed too tired. But the world was out there waiting for me, and I had a job to do. _All right, Ketchum. Game face on._

My friends had already gone outside to breakfast, and were mostly finished with the preparations by the time I made it out there. "Good morning, sleepy head," Clian teased, but his tone wasn't quite as carefree as I was used to. The girl with the dragon in her hair was just as awkward, even though her words were familiar. "Sleeping in so late, you're such a kid!"

But they were trying to act normal, so I ignored the furtive, terrified glances they kept shooting between themselves. "Morning," I replied back, before looking off to where my Pokemon were playing with N.

My stomach tied itself in a knot, thinking of what I had to do. "Have you seen Pikachu?" I asked, even though I knew what the answer would be. If Pikachu was anywhere nearby, he would be by my side helping me, that was the job he'd promised to take on.

If he'd break a promise like that, he must really be hurting. "I think N saw him this morning, but that was a few hours ago," Cilan offered, and I peered around him to get a glimpse at the big clock inside the pokemon center. It was almost 11 o'clock, way too late for breakfast.

"Slept in longer than I thought," I muttered. Weird, since I still felt tired. "Sorry..."

"Don't worry about it! Sit down!" I didn't actually feel like eating, but I felt bad that I'd clearly made everybody wait, so I sat down and politely picked at Cilan's cooking. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, I guess." As fine as I was ever going to be. "It's a nice day, huh? M-maybe we could explore the forest later? Bet there's lots of pokemon there, lots of pokemon."

"Um... Sure..." This was so uncomfortable. "If you feel up to it, of course. Don't push yourself."

"Guys, I'm not gonna die if I go outside," I said dryly, then regretted it when they shrank back into their chairs. "Still a lot of things to figure out, but right now I'm fine. So we should do fun stuff too, right? Instead of worrying all the time?" They nodded along, and their smiles got brighter, but I didn't actually want to go exploring, or anything else. I wanted to go back to bed and sleep away this nightmare, maybe veg out in front of the television. Something where I didn't have to interact or put much effort into thinking.

But I didn't think my friends wanted to hear that, and anyway, it wouldn't do me any good, so I kept those thoughts to myself. Right now, I had important stuff to do. When I couldn't stand to swallow another bite of food, I went over to N. "So, you talked to Pikachu? How is he?"

He changed when he saw me, like a wounded pokemon had suddenly appeared in front of him. Yesterday I was a human being, and now I was broken glass.

How many times could you break something before you couldn't put it back together again? "He blames himself. I tried to tell him it was Team Plasma's fault, but he wouldn't listen." I nodded to myself and bit my lip. Pikachu struggled with this when he first found out what his attacks could do. But Pikachu had gone above and beyond in learning discipline and restraint, to the point where we could live side by side without either one of us having to worry about his strength.

He had nothing to feel guilty about, except maybe ditching me when I could really use his support. But I didn't know how to make him see that. "He thinks you're better off without him."

"D-did you tell him he's wrong?" I asked in surprise. Pikachu didn't make the bad things happen, but he helped them go away. If Snivy had been the one caught in Team Plasma's machine, I'd still have been attacked, but Snivy wasn't all the things Pikachu was to me. Bad things happened all the time, but Pikachu made them good again.

"Actually," N looked uncomfortable. "I think he might be right. Not that it's his fault!" he protested when my face darkened. "But maybe it's better if you two don't travel together..."

"What?" N wouldn't be the first person to tell me that, but that didn't make me any more tolerant of hearing it. N didn't like pokemon battles and trainers, but I thought I'd finally convinced him that people could be better than the truths he'd grown up with.

"I know you and Pikachu have a close bond, but you live in a man-made world and Pikachu is nature," N tried to explain, talking faster with every second. "Electricity is in all living things and Pikachu is so connected to that, like a perfect formula. People can't classify that with their arbitrary rules, Nature meant for Pikachu to be something exponentially better..." Ugh, if N was going to bring math into this we would be lost.

"So, you're saying I'm holding him back, I'm holding him back?" I snapped.

"Not exactly, more like..." And here N hesitated. "Pikachu's powers are amazing, he's so close to a perfect being. But you're weak." I think N realized that was the wrong thing to say the second it left his mouth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"This is _my_ fault?" Because that's what it sounded like.

"No! But humans weren't meant to stand up against Nature! Isn't it better for Pikachu to be himself? Pokemon can't become perfect beings if they don't have room to shine!" My world was too small for him. He was stretching out all the seams, putting cracks in the walls.

I tried to give credence to that, since N was the smartest person I knew, but it was pretty hard to see that point of view when my whole heart was screaming for the friend it loved the most. "You're really blunt," I finally grumbled, to which N sighed.

"To be honest, I don't know if I'm quite as convicted as I sound..." I raised an eyebrow and he continued, "You and Pikachu keep mixing up the issues that should be black and white, you're turning my whole world gray. I hate that," he added when he saw me snickering.

"But that's how the world is, right? Nothing's black and white." Not even me and Pikachu. As much as I hated to admit it, N had a good point. I always thought the two of us were meant to be together, but that didn't mean it was the best option, or that separation had to equal abandonment.

Of course, without Pikachu I was going to crumble into dust, and that was a concrete fact. "I've been living with Pokemon since before I was born," N said sadly, "I never met a friend who would have wanted to live with a human trainer, so my point of view was always right. But Pikachu doesn't just love you, he loves everything about training with you, even battles. So then I thought my point of view might be wrong, but now I see how much this is killing both of you..." I dropped my gaze to the ground. "I'm not sure of anything anymore."

I loved Pikachu. I was sure of that. "I don't want him to feel bad over this. He was really hurt the f-first time, and it was hard for him to get over that."

"I know." Of course, N could hear the voice of Pikachu's heart. He probably knew all the things Pikachu wouldn't tell me. "And he needs you, too. You two are good for each other, and not good at the same time. How is that equation supposed to balance?" As if I knew.

N's argument wasn't easily dismissed, and an idea began to take hold. It was possible that I was hurting Pikachu just as much as he had hurt me with his electricity. I'd asked him to stay with me, even though I knew it would be hard on him emotionally. But he took that challenge on, just as I'd taken on his electric nature. But Pikachu's attacks were usually benign, while my disabilities were an eternal, grating presence that Pikachu had no escape from.

Would it be selfish to demand Pikachu talk to me if he needed to be alone, just because I needed him? Taking care of me was a full time job, didn't he deserve a chance to take care of himself?

"I need to tell the others," I whispered, not that anyone was close enough to overhear our conversation. I didn't have a clue what I was going to say. "What do I tell them?"

N closed his eyes, listening with his heart. "They all know something's not right," he told me with a heavy voice. "All of them love you, and they want to help. Just be honest with them." I nodded, but it still took me a few minutes before I could rise up and walk over to where my pokemon were playing.

"Hey, guys... can you come here...?" Everyone stopped what they were doing instantly. N wasn't kidding, they _all_ knew something was up.

And it was my job to tell them, no one could do it for me. My pokemon and I all sat in a group, and I looked over each one. There was the girl, Snivy, so unbelievably smart and dependable. The cute little Water-type, who goofed off a lot but always worked so hard in training. Pignite, who always seemed so gentle and timid despite his size. The red crocodile, with his shades and tough attitude, he was going to be a champion, I was sure of it. And then Charmander, the friend I'd known and loved and fought with almost as long as Pikachu.

This was so hard. "So, uh, Team Plasma..." Already, everyone was tense. "You guys were the best, we saved, um, that Pokemon and they went to jail... thank you." Everyone had done their part, and I probably hadn't thanked them for their hard work in all the commotion of the last little while. Even if I had, it wouldn't hurt to say it again. "You guys are... the best. Really, I'm so proud of you..." If I could, I'd just keep saying that and nothing else for the next hundred years.

But the universe had other ideas for me. "Things got a bit dangerous, um, you know, there was that machine that controls pokemon and other stuff, so after the battle, I went to the hospital." Five pairs of eyes bored into mine. "The doctor said, um..." I felt myself choking up, but forced my way through before I lost my voice completely, "The doctor said I might not be able to train with you guys for much l-longer..."

And then I had to stop. I couldn't handle more words, I could barely handle breathing. I felt my body trying to cry and willed it to stop, because if I broke down and sobbed then everyone else would too. I needed to show them their trainer could be strong, so they could be strong, that was my job.

And then the blue and white Water-type launched himself at my chest and started wailing, and all the others soon followed. Only Charmander held back, he wasn't a hugger, but the other four surrounded me on all sides until I was smothered in love, and I allowed a few tears to leak out.

Snivy didn't cry at all. I knew this would break her heart, somehow I knew that having me for a trainer had changed her, and I felt that dying was letting her down in a weird way. But she was a good girl, she would pull through and she would take care of the others. Pignite and my water pokemon were another story, I worried about them. It was okay to be sad now, but what about after the end finally came? Would they be happy later, when I wasn't around anymore? The crocodile kept mock punching my shoulder in a desperate way, but what would he do when he finally realized that none of his attacks could bring me back? I wasn't going to see him improve, I wasn't going to see where all his potential could take him.

And Charmander... he just stared at me. Who knew what he thought, but even though I knew he'd left me before and done just fine on his own, it killed me to think that our connection could ever be completely severed.

"'Ssss gonna be fine, guys, I promise," I whispered. I didn't know how, but I was still their trainer and I couldn't just give up on any of this. "Promise. Gonna be hard, but we'll be okay. For now, though, we gotta be patient. Need to stay here for awhile, to work with the doctors and figure out what all this means. Lots, lots of stuff to decide, so we'll just work through it s-slowly, 'k?" Everybody nodded, still questions in their eyes that I really didn't know how to answer. "You have to decide stuff too. Like, not right now, but where you're gonna go, if you wanna stay... that kind of stuff. Because I don't know what's gonna happen with training now, don't know what's gonna happen with training, and it's not fair to make you stay here if we're not gonna-" I was interrupted by angry squealing, while Charmander just snorted. Apparently, they weren't going anywhere.

These guys were amazing. Even as bad as things were, I couldn't help feeling a genuine smile breaking out. All of them still had questions, and I did my best to interpret their words. I didn't understand them half as well as Pikachu, but that didn't mean we couldn't communicate. _"What's pig-pignite pignite you hurt? Pignite pig sick...?"_ The blue one nodded alongside his friend and jumped up on my shoulder to start feeling my forehead.

"Like, what's wrong with me, am I sick?" I tried, which got positive nods.

"_And how osha-oshawott this happen?"_ I saw Snivy and Charmander look away. They didn't need to ask how this happened.

This wouldn't go over well. "I, uh... the machine, machine that controls pokemon, remember..." Lying about it wouldn't help anything in the long run. "It got Pikachu."

And that was really all I had to say. Snivy tried to calm everybody down, but Charmander was the only one who fell silent. "Don't blame Pikachu, guys. Didn't mean to, it could have been any of you." It really could have. If that thing had gotten Charmander, I'd be dead now. But my group sobered up a bit on hearing it. "Ssss not his fault, it's the bad guys' fault. You know that."

Snivy frowned and asked me, _"Sinvy sni, snivy?" _She looked around the area, wondering where Pikachu was.

"He needs to be alone for awhile," I mumbled, but raised my voice when I heard Oshawott and the crocodile muttering to themselves with ugly looks. "Don't be mean! You guys don't _know,_ okay!" They looked at me with curiosity, maybe a little startled, and I brought my voice back down. "Like, he's with me all the time, taking care of me... that's hard. I made Pikachu battle for a really long time, a really long time... an' he was so brave, so if he needs to rest now..." Even if it killed me to say it, "Then leave him alone. He earned it."

It's not like Pikachu was the only friend willing to help me through this, after all. I opened my arms and shared another hug with my team, forcing myself to believe that we could all be okay.

* * *

The pill bottles mocked me, the writing on the labels completely unintelligible.

In their defense, it wasn't like I really wanted to understand anyway. "Cilan, will you help me, will you help me~!" I whined and flagged him over from where he was preparing some fancy desert, and once he'd washed and dried his hands he came over to my table.

"What's up?"

"I don't know any of this!" I gestured over the little army of pill bottles that I now had to organize. "Don' remember, can' read, I just..." I had a chart and doctor's notes, I _could_ read, I _wasn't_ stupid, but for some reason this whole task felt like rocket science.

"Calm down, it's fine," Cilan soothed, just like he always did when I got overwhelmed. "I'll help you, don't worry." I took a deep breath as he sat down, relieved. The world would not spin off it's axis, I wasn't going to accidentally poison myself, things were going to be fine. Cilan pulled some markers from his bag and we organized all the canisters by color, we drew little descriptive symbols of what everything did and taped them to the lids, we sorted my medication into one of those pill organizers and when we were finally done, I sat back in relief.

"Feel better?" Cilan asked, and I nodded vigorously.

"Yes, thank you..." He smiled and grabbed a plastic cup from the Pokemon Center's cafeteria, but stopped before he filled it with water.

"This one has a crack in it." I looked over my shoulder. It was a large crack, hard to miss.

"Should tell Nurse Joy so she can fix it."

"I suspect she'll just buy a new one," Cilan replied as he set the cup aside and got another from the cupboard. Of course she would. Because that's what you did when things were broken, you threw them away and bought new ones. Why go through the trouble of fixing it and keeping it around, when it was so easy to walk away?

Even if you fixed the break, everyone would still see the cracks and no one would want to use it. Cilan hadn't even bothered to see if the cup _could _hold water. Even if they still worked, people didn't want broken things.

"Ash? Is everything all right?" Cilan set the new, unbroken cup of water in front of me. "You're crying."

I was, and I hurriedly wiped the tears that suddenly appeared. "No one tells us this stuff," I complained as I wiped my face. "Oh, you're ten, you can travel, have a Pokemon license, like, even get married if you want, no one tells you how to do_ this!_" Cilan sat down, eyes listening and curious. "Like, Pokemon Trainers can take care of themselves, go on a journey, big responsibility, but no one says bad things will happen, and, like, it's just _you_..." I wasn't alone, but at the same time, I really was. "Pokemon have a problem, you've got to deal with it, you get sick, it's your job, Mom's not here, people expect... but no one tells you what that means!"

I willed Cilan to understand, and it seems he did, maybe too well. "Maybe it's not something you can teach?" he sighed. "There are some steps that just can't be written down in the recipe..."

"I guess..." And it wasn't like some warning would have turned me away from Pokemon training. But as I sat at that table and looked over all the medicine that represented my new life, I was starting to have doubts.

This was exhausting.

* * *

"P-pikachu, we have to talk sometime. This is dumb!" The forest called back nothing but silence. "Just a second, k? And then I won't bother you again, I promise!" I didn't want to promise that, but it was probably fair. We needed to touch base, but I couldn't guarantee that Pikachu needed my presence as much as I needed his. "Please?"

"_Pika, pika..." _ Reluctantly, Pikachu shuffled out from behind a tree. _"What is it?"_

"Oh, um... jussss, wanted to know how you are... you okay?"

"_I'm fine, worry about yourself,"_ Pikachu sighed. His eyes looked so tired. _"Pikachu wasting energy pikaka worrying about me."_

"Okay, but gotta make sure you're taking care of yourself, too." Pikachu snorted and said something about N and being fussy, and I almost laughed. "Well, good. As long as... as long as you have someone..."

Pikachu looked exasperated. _ "You're the important one pikaaa!"_

I fixed Pikachu with a look. "You're important to me, too." He relented, and finally admitted that he was fine, N was keeping tabs on him and he was taking care of himself. He did look a little down, but N said it seemed he was eating and getting enough rest, so all I could do was trust Pikachu. "Okay, well... just be safe, and if you need to be alone, I won't bother you, bother you..." Pikachu gave me a curious look. "I know this is hard..."

"_It's not that I don't pika pikachu."_

"I know, sss okay." And it was. I wanted Pikachu by my side, but I knew he cared about me. I knew he was within reach and if I called for him, he would come. I could let him have a little space, if that's what he needed. "But when you're ready to come home... I'll be right here, 'k? I'll be waiting." My arms were always open, there was no accident or fear that could take that away from us. "I love you."

Quietly, we stood as the breeze rustled the grass between us. There was no noise, except for the distant calls of bird pokemon in the forest.

Finally, I whispered, "This is the part where you say you love me, too."

I had kind of meant it as a joke, since Pikachu wasn't as verbally expressive as I was. He was more physically demonstrative, always cuddling and nuzzling, licking or shocking me to convey all the things he felt in his heart. It was less in his nature to try and put his deepest feelings into words, and I suspected it made him uncomfortable to say such bold things when he knew I couldn't understand him as fluently as he'd like.

But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I suddenly realized how much I needed to know that Pikachu still loved me, that after all the nightmares and broken things, we were still standing strong. Pikachu scampered up onto my shoulder, resting there with his cheek against mine, and I almost sobbed with relief. His cheeks didn't spark, but I felt the warmth and power radiating from them, as well as Pikachu's gentle care.

How did I let something so bad happen to us? Pikachu and I had something so perfect, we were so right together, so how could I let things get so bad? I wanted to stand out here with Pikachu and bask in this feeling for the rest of my life. Now that I had a time limit, a countdown hovering over my head to tell me that this couldn't last forever.

But however fleeting, whatever time I had left, this moment was worth it. This moment was perfect.

And then, unexpectedly, a little pink tongue licked at my cheek. _"I love you, Pikapi."_ Then Pikachu jumped down and ran back into the solitude.

Even after he faded from sight, I couldn't bring myself to go back inside.

* * *

I couldn't focus on the deck of playing cards in my hands. I could see them well enough, but I couldn't remember what any of them were called, the words and functions escaped me.

"Go Fish," I said for the millionth time. I never won a single round of this stupid game.

But I had to keep pretending I was having fun, because I had been moping by myself all day. I would just make my friends worry if I sat around like a lump, and my new condition didn't allow for me to run off places by myself. I wouldn't get better if I didn't try to interact with people and find ways to keep living my life.

Except... what did getting better mean, in this case? The end result would always be the same.

Outside the window, lightning flashed through the sky. I flinched every single time. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, the flashes would send my mind reeling.

After one big thunderclap, I sprang to my feet and ran to the window, searching. "It's not Pikachu," Cilan called from the floor, not even breaking his concentration and asking Iris for a Queen.

"I know that," I lied, but kept looking anyway. It was hard to tear myself away. As scared as I was, I wanted to be out in the center of that storm, feeling the earth-rending power all around me and knowing it would never touch me, just because I asked it not to. A tiny, little thing like me, respected by a force of nature.

How was I ever so arrogant?

"Ash? Two of hearts?" I forced myself to sit back down and look through my cards.

"Which one is two, again?" Numbers can be harder than words sometimes. The purple haired girl held up two fingers and it clicked in my head. I found the card with two little hearts printed in the center and handed it to her, trying to emblazon the number symbol on my brain as I did so. Even though I'd probably forget by the next time we sat down to play cards.

And sooner or later, it wouldn't matter what I remembered. Was there still any point to this?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: I'll Always Remember You

* * *

~ _Everywhere I walk, I see your shadow... And when I close my eyes, I see your face..._ ~

* * *

The curtains were a bright, pokeball red, and the sun streaming from behind gave them an ethereal quality. The entrance into a dream world, though this only made sense to me. I pulled a chair near the window and leaned against the curtains, allowing my world to become swallowed in red, just like it had once before...

I could still remember that scene so vividly, sinking into that force and slowly disappearing, the last sensation of Pikachu's claws digging in to pull me back from the brink. But Pikachu couldn't hold on forever, nothing could have saved me. The Tree of Beginning was a stronger force than mere mortals, and I went to my death knowing that there was never any hope of survival.

But I thought it was fine, at that moment, if Pikachu's straining hands were the last thing I felt before I plunged into darkness...

"Ash? It's a beautiful day outside!" The girl with the purple hair and her dragon intruded into my memory world. What was her name? Something pretty, like flowers and rainbows... "Want to have a pokemon battle? Axew needs some practice with Dragon Rage."

I hugged my arms close to my chest. That didn't stop them from shaking. "No thanks... I don't really feel like it..." The world outside was too real, too full of sensations. In this world of half-forgotten memories, nothing was overwhelming, it had already happened. All in the past, the feelings were still sharp but the consequences had dulled.

"Maybe later?" the girl asked, hopeful. I just shrugged my aching shoulders.

"Maybe..." Another time, when I didn't feel so tired. Some day when my soul wasn't numb from the effort of ignoring all the physical pain. Maybe tomorrow I'd feel like running and playing with my friends...

"How are you feeling?" The girl pulled over a chair and plunked down across from me. Now we were both lost in the glittering, red glow. That wasn't right, I was supposed to be protecting everyone else.

...but according to the story my friends told me, it was already too late. There was nobody left to protect. I had gone up that mountain to rescue Pikachu, and all my precious friends were dragged into darkness with me.

Just like now. "...a little sick," I answered quietly. "Dizzy..."

"Well, I called the doctor. He said to stop taking the anti-seizure medicine and we'll try something else. You have an appointment first thing tomorrow."

"Thank you," I whispered, and she smiled.

"Try to feel better, Ash. The doctor said there's plenty of other options. You'll be on your feet in no time." For how long? Did it really matter what side effects I suffered from, or if I even took medicine at all? The end result would be the same.

Was the entire point of my life to just exist as long as possible?

But I couldn't say that out loud. I had to try and be brave, because it felt like if I lost it here, everyone else would, too. Like dominoes, we would all tumble down into this big pit of fear together, and that was the last thing I wanted.

"... have you seen Pikachu?"

"No. No one has for days." I didn't think so. "N says he can still hear the voice of Pikachu's heart, though, so he's not far." Good, N would know if something went wrong. And it was a relief to know Pikachu hadn't left for good.

But not as comforting as having him right there with me. I thanked the girl again, but was even more grateful when she finally left. Talking to my friends was draining.

I leaned into the curtains and tried to ignore the tremors and spasms. There was nothing in my vision but red, and I was sinking into blackness, just like before.

I imagined I could feel Pikachu reaching out to me as I closed my eyes...

* * *

The park was so beautiful, and sitting under the trees was relaxing with the breeze barely brushing through the leaves. It was quiet, and I felt an ease and serenity as I sat on the bench and watched the scenery pass by.

But I didn't know how I got there.

I wanted to stay under those trees forever, but I knew I couldn't. I had a life I had to get back to, even if I wasn't sure I wanted that. People were waiting for me, I had responsibilities, and this beautiful moment was not actually frozen in time.

So I stood up and looked around the park, trying to catch a glimpse of something I recognized.

I didn't.

I walked for a bit, finally found an exit to the street and circled the block.

Still nothing.

I didn't know why I had come here, or where I had come from. I certainly didn't know where I needed to go now, and after leaving that peaceful refuge the anxiety was settling in. Was I lost?

No, no, I couldn't be lost! I didn't have anyone with me, none of my pokemon! I was completely alone, so if I got lost now, no one would ever find me! I had to be able to figure this out!

But after half a hour of wandering, I eventually had to admit defeat to myself. I was alone, lost, my shoulders kept jerking around and my arms were shaking. And I didn't know how to get back to where I was supposed to be.

"Excuse me..." A lady with a kind face approached me. "Is everything all right? Can I help you?"

"Um, I, uh, no- um, please, I think I'm lossst, think I'm lost." Where was I, where was I going, why was I here? How could I forget something so important? "Came here, but I can't r-remember how to get back..."

The woman's face grew more and more concerned. "Honey, you don't sound well at all!" She looked me over before digging a cell phone out of her purse. "You need a hospital, I'm going to call an ambulance!"

"No, no, no," I protested, and finally fumbled in my pockets for the card I always kept with me. Triumphantly, I fished it out of my back pocket, the card explained that I had aphasia and wasn't on drugs or suffering from a head injury, at least not a recent one.

"Oh, I see..." the lady said as she read it over, then looking up, "What do you need?"

"Um, Pokémon center, it's this way, is it this way?" I pointed to a random direction. I hoped she could guide me, I was sick of walking this park. The woman shook her head and pointed in the opposite direction. "It's about three more blocks that way, then make a right. It'll be on your left." That sounded simple enough. I took back my wallet card and thanked her, declining her offer to walk with me. I had already embarrassed myself enough, surely I could do this on my own.

I began walking in the direction she suggested. I would be okay now, I just had to make it to the Pokémon Center and I would find my friends and figure things out from there. All this would be okay once I found them. Once I was safe, it wouldn't matter that I couldn't remember why I was in the park in the first place.

Two blocks later, I turned right. About one block after that, I realized I'd completely forgotten the woman's instructions. Was it two blocks and then a left, three blocks and a right, four blocks and then a right or something else completely? It was blurring together in my mind and now I was lost again. The mystery of why I was out here alone in the first place was so exhausting, I wanted to lay down and take a nap but I couldn't do that right in the middle of the sidewalk.

"_PiKachuu?" _ Pikachu stepped in front of me and I jumped.

"W-what-what are you doing here?"

"_Pika~" _ He tilted his head and looked at me questioningly.

"I'm not lost!" I snapped down at him. The Pokémon Center had to be somewhere around here, but more and more I was growing unsure. I felt so exhausted and drained; what was going on with me, why couldn't I just stop somewhere and take a nap? Nowhere was safe, and I just wanted to stop everything and sleep for a bit. Or forever. I didn't want to be out wandering the streets, there was so much I just couldn't bring myself to care about and wanted to let it all go.

When did this all gets so hard? Pikachu motioned for me to follow him and I shuffled my feet back to the Pokémon Center. It was calming to be walking with Pikachu, knowing that wherever we ended up we were going to be safe as long as we were together. That's how I always used to be, things were easier then, even though I couldn't really remember why.

But I couldn't rely on Pikachu as much anymore. I was frustrated with him for some reason, there was a void when I thought about him, he was slipping away or maybe I was the one drifting off into some hazy nothingness...

The second the Pokemon Center came into view, Pikachu disappeared. Now I remembered why I was frustrated with him... But even when I called out, he didn't return.

When I found Cilan and the girl with the hair they were livid. "Ash, you've been gone for hours!" they told me. "Where have you been?"

"Just went for a walk..." I mumbled and that part was true. I refused to tell them more.

"You know you're not supposed to be out by yourself!" they shrieked at me, and it didn't help my mood at all. "You can't do this, Ash! You can't be alone, you_ know_ that!"

"Don't need to be babysat!"

"Ash, you know what the doctor said," Cilan tried to placate me, but I didn't care.

"I'm fine, I feel fine!"

"Yeah, fine! You're just having all these seizures, your memory is nonexistent and you have an attention span the radius of a marble!"

"Shut up!" I yelled at the purple-haired girl, "I'm fine!"

"No, you're not," Cilan said, still gentle but growing more tense. "And we're really worried about you."

"Nothing's wrong! Said it's fine!" I shouted and pushed past them to stomp off the the bedrooms. I flopped down on one of the beds and buried my face in the pillow. I was fine, I had to be.

I didn't know what I would do if I wasn't.

* * *

I walked out towards the forest, having slipped away from the group. It hadn't been easy, my friends were getting strict about letting me be on my own. I told them I was fine, but deep down, I knew I wasn't.

I was nowhere near fine... "Pikachu..." I called out in a soft voice, into the darkness of the trees. The sun had just set, it was way too dark for any serious searching and as stubborn as I was, I knew it was too big of a risk for me to take. If I disappeared into the woods, I might not come back out again.

But would that really matter in the end? "Pikachu!" Nothing answered me back, and while I hadn't expected it to, I still hoped. Because I swore I remembered walking with Pikachu down the street a few days ago, and that meant he wasn't really gone, he was still looking out for me.

I needed to know that. More than anything else in the world, more than any medicine or treatment, I needed to know that Pikachu would come to my aid when I needed him. Even if he couldn't stand to be by my side any other time, I wanted the assurance that he would still come and rescue me.

But the forest was silent. "Please, Pikachu, I need you..." I whispered into the night air. I didn't know where to begin looking and I couldn't go any further, in any sense of the word. "Please come back..."

I waited and called, not knowing if Pikachu was ignoring me or so far away that my voice couldn't reach him anymore. Either way, I trudged back to the Pokemon Center with lead in my heart. The one thing I thought could never be broken was shattered, and my best friend wasn't coming to save me.

* * *

When I dream, I think I see my memories. I guess I'll never know for sure, since sometimes dreams are just a bunch of made-up stuff that makes no sense, but I feel like the fog that hangs around my head is clear in dreams, and all the walls get taken down. I don't usually remember my dreams very well when I wake up, but morning comes and I just feel so good and all the dream hangs around me for awhile. Faces I can't quite make out flutter around like butterflies, laughing and talking in warm tones and the sun shines down on everything. It's warm and soft and he's there with me, everything feels so safe and good...

Of course, I have bad memories too and for some reason I can remember those a little more clearly in the daytime. But with those good memories I can barely touch surrounding me, I know that even with the bad dreams, I was happy back then. My life before was really happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be that happy again.

My eyes fluttered open and I saw Pikachu sitting on the pillow opposite mine. He was giving me a sad stare, but looked surprised when he realized I was awake. I reached out and pulled him close to my chest, and he squirmed a little but finally gave up and I let out a sigh. "You're supposed to be here, aren't you?" He was a presence that had a place here, the world was complete when he was around. Not perfect, but complete. "Why did you go away?"

"_I shouldn't be pikapikaaa..."_ Pikachu sighed into my arms, but I ignored him. I don't know what he was worried about, he couldn't possibly make this any worse. Cilan came in and opened the drapes, sending sunshine cascading all over the room.

It was then that I realized Pikachu was nowhere to be found. I was only imagining it. He was just a dream, and why was I surprised? Dreams were the only place I was ever happy anymore...

"Are you going to get up anytime today?"

"Five more minutes," I mumbled and closed my eyes. I was so tired, too tired to even think about getting up. Sleeping was safe, and if I woke up I'd have to focus and then Black could remind me of every bad thing I'd done in my life and why I was going to die because of it.

"Ash, we're worried about you. You sleep all day, you hardly eat anything... Don't you want to train your Pokémon? They miss you..." But the bed was so soft, and I was so tired. My pokemon didn't want to train with someone so weak, that was why Charmander left, right?

But Charmander was back now, I remembered, not that it actually mattered. Eventually Cilan gave up, and I pulled the blankets over my head to shut everything out. Snuggled under the comforter, everything else just drifted away...

* * *

I slumped down at the table and watched glumly as Cilan arranged a whole medicine cabinet worth of pills. "Here." He shoved a glass of water in front of me, along with enough chemicals to turn me into a Grimer. "Take these."

He had to be kidding. "There's too many, too many..." More than I remembered, and they were all the wrong sizes and colors.

Cilan sighed, he sounded tired. "It's what the doctor prescribed for you. You need to take these with dinner." And more around noon. And then they'd force me to wake up in the morning just to take more. Medicine when I woke up, medicine when I went to bed, and endless stream of drugs pumping through my veins and I couldn't remember what any of them did.

"No." I pushed the glass of water away, but Cilan pushed it right back.

"You have to."

"Don't want to!"

"I don't care!" Cilan snapped, and he leaned in to fix me with a glare darker than my own. "So help me, Ash, I will_ ram these down your throat_ if you don't start co-operating!"

Cilan never talked to me like that. He never talked to anyone like that.

I swallowed all the pills in silence, both Cilan and I avoiding eye contact. He looked ashamed of himself, but he didn't apologize. I was breaking him, just like I broke Pikachu.

This couldn't go on for much longer.

* * *

There were too many voices shouting at me. The room in front of me swam, not like it was getting blurry, but more like it stopped being important. My heart hammered with enough force it seemed to break my chest, and all the voices kept shouting over a dial tone that kept ringing in my ears.

_Come on, guys, leave me alone,_ I thought. _I just want to sleep..._

And finally I did fall asleep, but it wasn't rest. I was in some other place, dark, with sensations rippling over me like waves of aura. I thought I saw glowing red cheeks, or maybe I just felt them.

This happened before... I didn't know what was happening, but it had happened before. The ringing stopped and nothing was left but voices, and now they didn't sound like firing machine guns. Just regular voices, but I couldn't make out what they were saying, and I drifted off...

… I woke up listening to a voice telling me I was strong, and I was going to be okay. The voice didn't sound like anything, not like a person, not like anything I could define or describe, but I knew it was Cilan because of how it made me feel. Cilan made me feel different than N's voice did, or Pikachu's. Pikachu was wonderful, he told me I did a good job, that I battled really well and deserved to rest...

But Pikachu wasn't here now. Pikachu was never here.

When I was able to feel things again, I blinked my eyes open, and realized I was laying on my back, with my head in Cilan's lap. His face leaned over me with a tired smile. "Rise and shine, Ash. Wake up and smell the coffee."

_You don't let me drink coffee,_ I tried to say, but it came out as "...nnn..." He patted my shoulder and we both let it go. "Just relax, you had a seizure. But we're all right here." Good. They could run around and decide if stuff was important, I was content to just lay there and catch my breath.

Everything hurt, every muscle in my body ached, and when I looked down, I saw a bit blood on my jacket. "...huh?" Pointing was too tiresome, so I inclined my head towards the blood and Cilan sighed.

"Oh, that. Well, you see..." he looked over at N, who was looking a little rattled while a girl with pink hair bandaged his finger. "N tried to suppress your tongue..." Well, that explained the mud-awful taste in my mouth...

"I thought that was what you were supposed to do!" N said hotly, and the pink-haired girl sighed.

"...p-pi...ka...chu?" I asked, and Cilan hesitated.

"I don't know where he is, Ash." I looked over at N, but he also had no answers for me. "We sent Concordia and Gardevoir out to find him, but he never appeared." Somehow, I wasn't surprised.

But I was disappointed. With Cilan's help, I sat up a little, though I still leaned heavily against him. The purple-haired girl pressed a mug of hot chocolate into my hands, and I was warmed over by both the heat and the familiar smell. I don't like her hot chocolate. It tastes awful; she makes it with too much water and not enough chocolate, and she doesn't add any sugar or milk or anything. Basically, it's brown water, and sometimes it tastes like something's been swimming in it.

It's really bad, but she makes it every time she wants to make me feel better, and it's familiar. I like familiar.

I closed my eyes for a second and leaned into Cilan, trying to lose myself in this world with bland hot chocolate and friends supporting me. A world where reality couldn't touch me.

But sooner or later I knew I would have to open my eyes. "This is the second big seizure you've had today."

"...is it?" I didn't know. I also didn't care.

"Yeah, you don't remember? This afternoon, just after lunch..." It didn't matter to me. It didn't change anything and I couldn't control it. I just took a sip of wretched hot chocolate and breathed in the smell. "I wonder if the doctor is going to change your medication again?"

"Well, we've got to find something that works. Ash can't keep living like this." Didn't they get it? No matter what chemicals rushed through my veins, I couldn't keep living at all. We weren't looking for a cure, we were trying to convince my body to kill me as slowly as possible.

The future didn't matter, and I couldn't remember the past. The only thing I had was this moment, and this moment sucked.

But it had disgusting hot chocolate I would give my right arm for.

"...help me up?" I asked Cilan once most of my dizziness had subsided, and he hefted me onto my feet. I swayed a little, but regained my balance with my weak and exhausted legs. I was up, standing, ready to keep battling.

...but I didn't have my partner. "What... um, what was I doing?" I asked. "Before..." Before this, before I ruined everybody's day.

"We were just sitting down to watch the Boccer tournament." It was then I realized that the tv was on, with Pokemon running all over a stadium. I liked Pokemon, I could handle watching television.

"Then... um, can we do that, please?" And not stand around staring at me, acting like I was crippled.

Even if I felt like it sometimes. Cilan helped me over to the couch, where I collapsed into the cushions. He and N sat on either side of me, while the purple-haired girl settled herself on the floor in front of us. The pink-haired girl and the blonde girl with the braid stood behind the couch and bickered with N.

"I can't believe were watching this! It's just as bad as a Pokémon Battle!"

"They're not fighting, it's more like a competition. They don't attack each other in the same way."

"I still don't like it..." I felt myself smiling on the inside, even if my mouth wouldn't co-operate. This was nice, this was normal. No matter what was going on around them, N's two friends would always be looking down on pokemon trainers and even I couldn't disrupt that. The world would keep on spinning without me to be it's hero or some Chosen One or whatever else fate decided without my permission. Despite all the chaos, there could still be peace.

It almost made up for the fact that Pikachu wasn't around.

N and and his friends continued to argue around me. "But it looks like the Pokémon really enjoy it..." I leaned heavily into Cilan, who put his arm around my shoulders. N squished closer on the couch filling in the empty space on my other side, while the purple-haired girl shifted to give my legs more space to stretch out. And once we all found our resting places, it was perfect. I was surrounded on every side by people I cared about, I was safe and protected.

There was only one friend missing. I closed my eyes and absorbed all the sounds from the Boccer match on TV as the little dragon in my friend's hair gurgled and giggled with every big play. N and his friends continued their light argument while Cilan and the purple-haired friend discussed pokemon and strategy. I took in all the conversation that floated around me, I could smell the various spices clinging to Cilan, the more flowery woodsiness that clung to my other friend, something old and musty coming from the couch. Everything was soft and warm and familiar...

I didn't notice my eyes closing until I felt Cilan lightly taking my mug of hot chocolate out of my hands. But that was fine, I let him, and let my fingers play a little with the purple hair that was cascading everywhere. It was softer than I would have expected, considering her pokemon lived in that mane. All my friends, save one very important one, were surrounding me and protecting me, allowing me to feel one moment of peace and love in all this dark chaos.

It still wasn't enough to change anything.

But it was nice of them to give me one perfect moment... _Please don't let me forget this, _I pleaded to anything that would listen. _If I never remember anything else, please let me remember this..._

And if this one moment was the last thing I ever felt, then I was okay with that.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: **守るべきもの** (A Thing To Be Protected)

* * *

~ そしていつも あきらめてた 約束も 果たせなくて かくれてた 闇の中で 君が 遠くなる (_And I always gave up Unable even to keep my promises You grow further away Into the darkness that hides you_ ) ~

* * *

The sun came over the east in brilliant red tones, and it matched the with the red behind my eyes. I'd been up long before the sun, when the sky and my heart were both black, and watching the colors bleed through only seemed to reflect my own feelings.

I was so angry and bursting with energy and didn't know why, nor could I find any useful activity to siphon my distress into. The last thing I wanted to do was analyze myself and my feelings, so I slipped out of the Pokemon Center and went for a walk, leaving my friends sleeping peacefully behind. I was going to the cliff-side, to watch the stupid, ugly, hateful sunrise by myself.

After that, well, we'd see about the rest...

On my way over, a Skitty skipped out of the bushes and danced around me. I didn't stop to play with it, and could barely bring myself to even smile, but the Skitty continued to hop a few steps behind me all the way to the cliff-side, chirping happily. It wasn't my only companion; it seemed like pokemon were watching me everywhere I turned, and though they didn't approach me, they all watched me through sideways glances. A couple of cotton-ball-like pokemon flew by, hovering near me just a little too long to be casual, and several bugs kept crawling across my path at various intervals. I wondered if I'd done something to disturb them, but couldn't see how and decided it didn't matter. Soon, I might not be disturbing anyone...

I reached the cliffside and sat down on the edge, ignoring the pokemon that looked like an evolution of Snivy laying in the grass maybe ten feet away, and the Swanna that was perched on a tree a bit further off. Whether they were watching me or not, it didn't really matter, and I set my gaze on the horizon.

It was beautiful and hideous all at the same time, just like my life. I picked up a pebble and held it up in front of me, mesmerized by the way the light and shadows played over my hand. In the morning light, everything was bleeding red, and darkness clung to every object that dared stand in the way of the sun. In time, I threw the pebble off the side of the cliff and watched it disappear into the water below.

I scooted a little closer to the edge and disturbed dirt and pebbles bounced off the side. I watched them go and the vertigo made me sick, but I envied the falling objects a little. Eventually, they'd hit bottom and it would all have to stop.

"_...PiKachuu?"_ Pikachu tiptoed up to me and spoke in a whisper, probably not wanting to startle me since I was sitting precariously close to the edge of a cliff. I might accidentally tumble over and then... who knew? But I didn't mind the thought of it. I just wasn't sure if I had the courage to go through with it.

Of course, real courage would be to keep fighting, my conscience told me. Because I was the hero, I shouldn't give up no matter how black and hopeless things looked, or how angry I felt. I was fighting for something important, for my life, for my friends, for the world and my future and all the good things.

But I was tired of fighting, and I wanted to rest. "_It's pretty, huh?_" Pikachu said, casually. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeah." Beautiful, and terrifying. Yellow and gold were breaking through the red now, and the sight of yellow calmed a small bit of my rage. In a weird way, though, that kind of made my mood worse. Rage was the only thing keeping me going. Now I just felt exhausted. "What-what are you doing up s-so early?"

Pikachu shifted so he could lean his head against my knee. "_Pikaa, I just wanted to watch pikaka with you._" I didn't want him here. He shouldn't have been here, when I woke up this morning with all my black, hateful thoughts, he wasn't in this picture. I was supposed to be alone, and then if I happened to disappear out here, Pikachu and the others would find my journal and realize that I had battled far too long and needed a rest. If I decided not to go through with it, that would have been fine, but it really didn't matter either way; my friends would still be sad. But if I didn't come back, all our sadness would go away eventually.

But now that Pikachu was with me, sitting out here felt wrong, though it ticked me off that Pikachu got to determine how I felt about anything. I couldn't remember why, but I felt that I was really mad at Pikachu. Pikachu, whose absence was highlighted every time I reached for my journal. Whose face haunted my nightmares whether I was sleeping or awake. Who made me keep fighting for him long after I'd passed all my limits and then followed me out here so I couldn't leave.

Pikachu, who did all this to me.

More and more, the red disappeared from the sky, and the yellow tones got stronger. There wasn't a single touch of black in the sky, but in my chest, Black still slithered around my heart. Black was all over and everywhere, hovering over Pikachu like a cloud and for that reason alone, I wanted Pikachu to leave.

But Pikachu wasn't Black, Pikachu was Yellow. Black followed Pikachu, but that wasn't what he was, and Yellow didn't do this to me. Black did this to me, I didn't hate Yellow.

But I'd given my whole heart to Yellow. Yellow was everything in me, it owned everything and it ruled my whole being. Whenever I found it, it filled every crack and empty space inside me with more feelings than I could hold, and sometimes it seemed like it would break me into a thousand little pieces. Sometimes Yellow could be as bad as Black.

But it was better, because I gave myself to Yellow. I loved Yellow, I gave it everything it wanted and let it have control over my soul but Black just came and took everything. Black attacked me and hurt me and took all the things it wanted with only cruel laughs for my misfortune. And right now, Black was around me and in me to the point that I could barely see Yellow anymore, with cackles echoing in my ears. But Black wasn't Pikachu.

Pikachu didn't do this to me. Colress did this to me. Not Pikachu.

I curled one hand around Pikachu and held him closer, and he nuzzled my knee a little with his cheek. Absently, I let my finger stroke his soft fur while I tried to think. Pikachu wasn't Black, but he wasn't Yellow either. He brought both of those with him, but he was neither. Pikachu was his own thing, with red cheeks and sound and a weight that could be borne up by my shoulder. He loved ketchup. He didn't like Thunderstones. He'd give his life for me.

And Pikachu had made a lot of mistakes, because Yellow was an entity in my mind, but Pikachu was a person. He was out in the real world with me, watching the sun rise and holding onto my knee as if he had a chance of pulling me back if I chose to pitch myself over the cliff. Pikachu made me cry sometimes, and he made me love him always, and he was worth more than all the mistakes anyone could ever make.

I stopped watching the sky and lowered my gaze down to the water. I wanted so badly to disappear into it. I wanted to fall down and actually know the falling would end. I wanted to make a choice for myself instead of living a life made of everybody else's choices. Living was too much, and I was tired of fighting and tired of being angry at things and tired of being tired.

I stood up and looked over the water and rocks below me, so close to the edge that just standing felt like going over the side, and Pikachu was powerless to do anything about it. Even if he shocked me, I'd just fall over and he'd never be strong enough to pull me back. It was nice to know that there were things I could do that even Pikachu couldn't control. For all his power, the only thing he could do was keep a futile death-grip on my pantleg.

He never said anything, though. Maybe there was nothing to say.

I gave the water one last look before I turned around and walked back to the Pokemon Center. The edge called to me, and Black kept pressing on me to make it seem like a good idea, but heroes don't do things like that. Pikachu let go of my pantleg and out of the corner of my eye, I saw that snake pokemon in the grass pull back the vines in had at the ready. Up in the tree, Swanna seemed to be more relaxed.

I could have laughed, and I also could have kicked Pikachu, but I did neither of those things and just shuffled back to the Pokemon Center. If Pikachu or any of his cohorts followed me back, they were discreet enough that I didn't notice them.

When I got back, N was pacing in the lobby. It was still too early for Nurse Joy to be up, and there wasn't a single pokemon or trainer besides N up yet.

For some reason, the sight of N filled me with rage. Was he the reason I was so angry? Probably not the only reason, since I had so many other things to choose from, but I felt furious watching him pace, and it was only slightly alleviated when he saw me and I watched the relief wash over his face. "Ash! You're here!"

"...went for a walk," I mumbled, lying through my teeth, and N slowly started to relax.

"I was so worried," he confessed, "I thought you had gone and..." I raised my eyebrow when he trailed off.

"Gone and w-what?" Did he know something? How exactly had I been acting these past few days? Was everybody suspicious?

"Well, after yesterday," N dropped his voice to a whisper even though there was no one around. "I thought you might have run off with those pills again. I was so scared when I couldn't find you!"

Icy horror descended on me, and I was afraid to ask, but, "What happened yesterday, happened yesterday?"

"You don't remember?" N seemed surprised and I was embarrassed to admit it, but this was too important for my pride. "You... I found you hiding in the bathroom with your sleeping pills. I... I think you were planning on taking the whole bottle... You said you weren't going to, but..."

Shame sliced through me. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole, never mind how ironic that was, never mind that I'd had the same thoughts just a few minutes ago and even now, the thought of going to sleep and never waking up again felt like a fantastic idea, I was mortified. N had seen me in my absolute weakest moment, one I couldn't even remember and I had absolutely no defenses left.

But still, I clung to hope. "I-I wouldn't, N, really, I'm fine, I..."

"I know, I know," he said even though I wasn't sure he actually knew anything. "I was just so scared when you disappeared. I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find you and I thought you might be off trying to..." he trailed off again, and a thought struck me.

"Do C-cilan and the other girl know?" Or the others, N's friends, had he told them? Had he been the one to tell Pikachu and the other Pokemon to watch for me? "Did you tell any-anyone?"

"No, I didn't tell anyone!" N protested, and that felt like the wrong reaction to have. "I promise, Ash, they're still sleeping, they don't know anything. I didn't even tell Pikachu!"

"...you're little secret, huh?" I said under my breath. I'm not sure if N heard or not, but I didn't care and plunked myself down on one of the couches. N didn't tell anyone that he thought I might have been trying to kill myself. Pikachu had been spying on me and rounded up the whole neighborhood to put me on a suicide watch, but N wouldn't even wake up our friends to help him look for me. If it had been up to N, I might have jumped off that cliff and been dead by breakfast time.

And even though that idea hadn't seemed so bad earlier today, right now it really ticked me off.

"Ash... about yesterday..." Ugh, what? I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to think about how many times I might have done this before and I didn't want to admit that maybe I had a problem to someone who was selfish enough to keep such a big secret to themselves. N sat down on the couch next to me with more hesitancy than felt normal for him. "What you said about Black and Yellow-"

"What?" I shoved N away from me and jumped to my feet. "Why-why...!" Had I told him about that? I never told anyone about that! Black and Yellow were things for doctors to know, _no one else,_ I couldn't imagine even telling Pikachu! Why would I tell any of those secrets to N? "No, no, you shouldn't know about that, about that!"

N had his hands out in front of him, trying to seem harmless but it wasn't working. "I'm sorry, Ash, you were just really upset yesterday, and I... well, we talked. I wanted to understand you."

No wonder I was feeling upset about N. "And are you satisfied now, satisfied now?" He took a step back, and every little thing he did just made me madder. "Told you, told you all my secrets, how I'm broken and stupid and hurting, what more do you want? Can't still be curious, there's nothing left! Nothing, and you didn't help me!"

"I'm sorry..." N looked so helpless. "I didn't realize it would upset you so much. I shouldn't have asked."

"Right, shouldn't have asked, you don't get to ask!" I shrieked, letting all the emotions out. All the anger at N, all the self hate, all the embarrassment and all the hopelessness that I'd left back on the side of that cliff. "Pikachu gets to ask, or the dragon-hair girl, but you, you- this happened because of you! Pikachu hurt me b-because of you!" N's face looked as if I'd punched him, and I felt a little bad for that, but couldn't bring myself to stop. Hate was the only thing that kept me from collapsing into a heap on the floor, and the only thing that helped me ignore all the other horrible things I felt about myself. "Told you everything, and you didn't help me! You were supposed to help me, and you didn't!"

"What's going on here?" All my screaming had woken up Nurse Joy, and Cilan and the other friend darted out from one of the rooms.

"Ash, is everything all right?"

No, everything was horrible. I had embarrassed myself and N had let me down and none of it actually mattered because I had really wanted not to be alive this morning and nearly done something about it. I hated that I had gone so far, and I hated that I had revealed all those personal secrets to N just because he found me in a vulnerable position and really hated that I didn't remember a thing about it.

Pikachu didn't ask about those deep things. Pikachu asked me how I felt all the time, but some things were mine. Sometimes I got to keep my secrets between me and the doctors and Pikachu just asked what he could do to help me. Even today, Pikachu didn't ask me for my secrets, he just guarded me and sat next to me until I felt like making the right choice myself, and he had made sure the other pokemon were ready to stop me if I hadn't been able to.

I loved Pikachu so much for that, and right now, I wanted to hate N. But I couldn't, because N was looking at me with such fear in his eyes and I knew N hadn't meant to hurt me. He was scared, because I was broken and doing all these things he couldn't understand. Cilan, Pikachu, the hair girl, they had experience with me, they knew what I needed, but N didn't know how to help me. It wasn't his fault. The thing with Pikachu and Team Plasma wasn't his fault, either.

I was running out of people to blame.

Cilan and Iris both flanked me, ready to defend me but also ready to hold me down in case I proved to be in the wrong. If N had told them about his fears, they would have tackled me to the ground as I left the Pokemon Center, dragged me off towards professional help after making me breakfast and telling me how much they cared and hated to see me acting like such a selfish kid. And I would have hated them for it and loved them at the same time, just like I currently wanted to hug Pikachu while also murdering him.

"I-I'm sorry, sorry, N..." I choked out, under everybody's watchful eye. But I'd have to get used to that, because nobody was going to look at me the same way once we told them what happened. "I didn't mean... what I said... I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," he replied, and I could see he meant it. It took some of the edge off the anger.

* * *

If there was a magic combination of medicine that would work on me my doctors were determined to find it, but after all this time, I was losing hope.

"How long have we been here, how long have we been here? In this town?" I asked the friend with the dragon.

"I dunno, three or four weeks?" That was way too long.

"You guys should go. Like, being in one place all the time, thasss not why you travel."

"We're not going anywhere, Ash," Cilan said tersely. And then he changed the subject. "So, when _was_ the last time you talked with your therapist?"

I didn't feel like talking to him anymore. I also didn't remember.

When we sat down with the doctor, he told me he wanted to eliminate my anti-convulsive medication and try a different kind of treatment. "Studies have indicated a commonality between these medications and depressive or suicidal thoughts," he told us. "Your quality of life isn't worth the benefits." He said some other stuff, but the words just washed over me, barely registering as static. "Ash?"

"You said this medicine would make all the, um... shaking, and spacing out go away," I complained. "And after awhile, after awhile I could stop taking it, would go away."

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did," I said stubbornly. I was sure I remembered something like that. "Said so, remember..."

"Some patients do find their symptoms disappear after a short time of treatment, but your condition is degenerative," the doctor told me, and I suddenly felt stupid. Of course I wasn't going to get better, why did I bother thinking that I would? "You're a very unusual case, Ash. I don't think I can guarantee anything."

"Oh..." I looked down at my hands. They could give me all the medicine in the world, but I was only going to get worse. "So, so what? What now?"

The doctor sighed and handed me a few papers. "I printed out some options. We can discuss all of them, but I want to take you off the current prescription immediately and see if there's any improvement. I've also recommended some psychologists..." Once again, I tuned out. Whether I listened or not, whether I understood or not, whether I followed my treatment or not, there was no point in any of this.

"Ash, are you listening?"

"Yeah, I heard," I lied, not sure I really cared anymore. "Let's do that, whatever, whatever you think is best..."

* * *

I sat on the bed in the Pokemon Center, clutching some printouts from the doctor and staring at the wall. Earlier, Cilan and the other friend had tried to engage me in a game of cards, but I was too distracted to play. I didn't have the energy, and eventually they gave up and left.

But I caught snatches of their voices from time to time, drifting from the other room. "... I don't know, Iris, we can't force him to tell his mom if he doesn't want to. He's old enough for a pokemon license, so he's old enough to handle his own life."

"Yeah, but he's crap at it!" Her name was Iris. That was pretty. Like a rainbow, or a flower... "Just because he's old enough for a Pokemon Journey doesn't mean he's not still a kid!"

"You're right, we have to tell her." I wish they wouldn't. "What are we going to say, though?"

"How about the truth?"

"You mean, "Hi, Mrs. Ketchum, your son almost killed himself and we didn't even notice"? or "Ash may only have a year or two to live, if we're lucky"? Can you imagine what that's going to be like?"

"Somebody has to say something.." Somebody had to tell all of them. I didn't want to be the one to do it. I was fine if they found out after I was gone, whenever that ended up being.

Telling people beforehand didn't make it any easier for them, or for me. It was nice to know people cared, but I was poisoning everything and that negated all the good effects.

After a while, N came into my room. He wanted to apologize, even though I was the one who was causing all the problems. "I'm sorry about earlier. I made you upset, and I-"

"It's fine," I cut N off. It didn't really matter. "I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry, too." N watched me, while I mostly watched the wall. He was a good person, he worried about me. He just couldn't do anything to make the situation better, and that wasn't his fault.

"I thought I could solve the equation that would change everything," he said, sitting down on the bed next to me. "But I couldn't find the answer."

"Maybe there isn't one, isn't one..." I didn't really care about any of that stuff anymore. I was content to sit here and stare at the wall until the end came, whether that happened now or a year from now. It didn't bother me.

I worried a little about everyone else, but that was their business. Whatever made them feel better, they could do it, I was through trying and failing to do the right thing. I'd lost the battle long ago, there was no reason for me to keep on fighting empty space.

If my body was so determined to take me down, what could we possibly do to fight it? "A long time ago, I was scared of Pikachu. Like, more than now... I had to go to a special hospital, my head, like, I just snapped." Shattered, maybe, was a better word. "It was like sleeping, where you can hear everyone talking around you, but you can't wake up. Scariest thing, everything was dark and cold and hurting..." I didn't remember a lot of it, but some sensations would never go away. "Pikachu made me go there. But then Pikachu took my hand and we walked out together..."

"That must have been hard," N tried to sympathize, but he could never understand all the things I felt. Even Pikachu couldn't understand, but that had always been okay, because Pikachu was _there._

"This time I have to walk out alone, I guess..." My voice drifted away, turning into air. But that was fine. Pikachu was always with me, even if I couldn't see him. He promised to watch over me, and he always did.

But this time he couldn't save me.

"You're not alone, Ash. What can I do? Tell me how I can help." They all wanted to help. That was really nice of them.

And a waste of energy. "The colors are gone," I told him. All the things that made life vibrant had disappeared from my world. "Everything is black and white, just the way you like it."

I stared at the wall while N just cried beside me.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: This Is A Beautiful World

* * *

~ _But there's a whole world out there, it's a miracle to see - Like the colors of the rainbow, it's a living symphony_ ~

* * *

I woke up sometime in the afternoon, and instead of getting dressed, logged on to a computer in the Pokemon Center lobby. I didn't care who saw me in pajamas, and after a few minutes of tired prodding, the friend with the dragon in her hair decided she didn't care that much either. I slipped a DVD into the drive and watched the face of a grizzled, gray-haired man flicker to life.

Silver. The ultimate rival. My father.

"_So, how does this work? I've never done this before..."_

"_Just say your message to the camera. Just like Ash was in the room."_ I knew that voice. My friend made a documentary of me, I had the movie at home. I couldn't remember any of it, though, but I remembered I liked it okay.

And he helped make this video, too. I'd watched it a few times but always forgot it before too long. Sometimes I wondered if there was really a need to carry it around with me, but I never ended up mailing it home or throwing it away.

"_Okay, uh... Hi there, half-pint!" _Dad was nice. It's not that I didn't like him. _"You're heading off to the Pokemon League, bet you're excited! Looks like you'll be back to traipsing the globe again in no time!" _ He had been beaming, but now he started to look awkward. _"There's a lot of stuff I'd like to tell ya, but it's not always easy to say, you know?"_ I did, and that's why I usually didn't bring it up.

I was afraid of the answers I'd get. _ "Your mom and me, we've got a lot of stuff between us, but it's got nothing to do with you. I wanted to travel the world, she wanted to stay and run a restaurant... I always knew if I just stopped being stubborn and apologized, we could work it out, but you know me..." _he chuckled. _"That's my advice on girls. Just apologize right away, saves tons of time!"_

He had that right. My red-headed friend and I were always bickering, and the sooner I accepted that she was always right, the happier we'd be. _ "I missed your mom like crazy, though. It was hard to admit it, but finally I had enough and decided to swallow my stupid pride. Thought we could start over from scratch, but that's where you came in..." _

I still remembered that day, the day Mom's friend with all the pokemon came to visit. They didn't tell me who he was right away, but I didn't care. He was Mom's friend, he was nice, he was a Pokemon Trainer.

The fact that he couldn't stop staring at me was a little weird, though... _"I know it was hard for you, not having a dad around. And it didn't get any better when I showed up. You and your mom, you two have a life together that I'm not really part of, and it almost seems easier on everyone when I'm out on the road..." _The other kids at school used to tease me about not knowing my dad, and then they teased me about how _everybody_ knew my dad. Once Gary pulled away from me, school was miserable.

But Gary and I made up. The other kids in Pallet Town are now my fans or a distant memory. Everything worked itself out, except for the situation with Silver. Mom and I still live like we did for the eight years we did without him, except days when he drops by to visit. He lives with us, but at the same time, he doesn't.

Kind of like me, now that I've left home.

Honestly, I was okay with that. I never needed a dad. He worked better as a family friend. _ "I never expected to be a father. I didn't have a clue what to do with you, especially since you turned out just like your crazy mother... I'm not too close with my dad, either, so it's not like I have any real experience to offer..." _

I don't know why I pull this DVD out sometimes and watch it. I really didn't know why I felt the urge to watch it now. It's not like I miss Silver like I do Mom, and I don't spend a lot of time thinking about him.

He's nice, but I don't know if I want to let him get that close. Things are fine the way they are, so why mess with it, right? _"You're a good kid. I had nothing to do with that, it's all your Mom. But I'm really grateful I got a chance to see it. I'm proud of you, Ash."_

That should have meant something to me. That should have made me feel something. I got the impression that it did before. _"I'm glad I get to watch you grow up and be a small part of your life. It's not something I was looking for, but it's the best thing I've ever found." _What was the point of any of this now?

"_I guess that's all you really need to know. I love ya, kid. I'm sorry I wasn't there from the beginning. Maybe you don't think you need this right now, but when you're ready, we can make this work. I've got a lot to learn, but being your dad is better than any pokemon battle."_

There was once a time I didn't think anything was better than a pokemon battle. But that felt like a long time ago. _"You do your best out there, kiddo. Just remember, we all love you, and we're proud of you, especially me."_ I turned the DVD off and leaned back. Now I knew why I had wanted to watch this. I was looking for something that mattered. A reason for continuing on, some feeling worth all the physical and emotional pain, but I couldn't find one. Even now, with the realization that Silver and I had run out of "not nows" and "some other days" to forge a bond, I didn't feel anything. My estranged father was pouring out his soul to me and I was bored.

I turned over my wrist, looking at the ugly scar that would always be there. There was once a time when my emotions were so intense that I drove a pencil through my arm because I couldn't handle it. And now I wanted to be digging trenches up and down my arm just to feel anything but exhaustion.

This couldn't go on. I pushed back from the computer and went outside, ignoring my purple-haired friend following me. I didn't get to go anywhere alone, they wouldn't even let me out of sight for a second.

And maybe I deserved that. I stopped in front of the forest entrance, my friend hanging back a few feet. "Pikachu... please talk to me."

There was no answer. There never was. "Don't do that... hiding, or feeling guilty or whatever, because it doesn't matter now." Nothing mattered, whatever thoughts were tormenting him just became irrelevant. Protecting me, or whatever he thought he was doing, was useless. "Know you're not gone, you'd never really leave me alone, ever..." He wouldn't come out and face me, but he was always in the shadows, jumping in at the eleventh hour. I trusted in that.

But the forest was still silent and that black voice was whispering in my ear, **he's gone, he abandoned you, there's nowhere your voice can reach him.** That thought didn't scare me like it once did.

But if Pikachu was done fighting for me, then there was no longer a point in fighting for myself. "What did I ever do to you, huh?" I whispered. I didn't have the energy to shout. "Did I hurt you? D-didn't I save you and fight for you every t-time? What did I do that was so bad, so bad that you can't keep one promise?"

I heard a rustle in the bushes, and a little yellow mouse appeared before me. Black told me I was going to die, he was certainly going to kill me, but I didn't care. I wasn't scared of that.

Pikachu looked heartbroken, and I looked him straight in the eye. He probably had demons to fight of his own, he was suffering from his own heartaches that I had been the catalyst for.

It didn't matter now. "Make me feel something," I said. I would have begged, or demanded, but there was no strength left in me. "I don't care what. Nothing matters now." Only Pikachu could make and then break down all the walls in my world, and I needed that now. I wanted to climb out the window of my own heart and escape to safety, only there had been too many times that Pikachu wasn't there waiting for me. I could forgive that, and I could endure it, but I was at the breaking point now. Just one more time, I needed to run off with him into a world of our own, a world where our rules were the only ones that mattered, where our connection was strong enough to beat anything.

I wasn't strong enough to stay in this prison and not know if anyone would come and break me out. There was an ocean of emotions I was too exhausted to feel being held up by a dam that was slowly cracking under pressure. Either by flood or by drought, if we didn't fix this now, he was going to lose me.

"Tell me what I'm fighting for," I told Pikachu in a flat tone. "Because I forgot, I forgot. And you promised to remind me of stuff when that happens." Was the point of my life to just exist as long as possible? Because if that was the case, then I was done with this world. "I'm tired, Pikachu, I don't wanna fight anymore... but you want me to, right?"

There was a part of me that wanted to quit this useless battle. And another part of me, the part of me that still carried some semblance of emotion buried somewhere, wanted Pikachu to force me onwards.

"Give me one reason to keep going. Just one..." And Pikachu jumped into my arms, dug his claws into my pajama shirt and sobbed.

At first, my arms curled around him without compassion, like a robot or a wooden puppet. But slowly, feeling his little body shaking and crying and hearing his broken pleas, something shifted. What he said wasn't important, and neither was what he did.

But something about this moment had meaning. Holding him in my arms, I felt something for Pikachu, I felt something for myself, and it wasn't huge or vivid, but it was deep and entrenched in our souls.

It was small, but it was worth fighting for. It was worth dying for, and most importantly, it was worth living for.

This was what I was looking for.

"Okay, okay," I soothed him in a voice that still sounded dead to me. But there was a small bit of comfort in stroking his soft fur. "Thank you, r'member, I'll be fine now..." And I knew I would. Not right now, but eventually. It didn't have to make sense, because it was me and Pikachu. When it came to him, there were some things I just knew.

I could do scary things, I could live through difficult things, I could be a hero and fight all the way to the end of the battle. Because this moment now meant something to me, it was worth all the battles and the fears and the exhausting apathy in the world.

I held Pikachu close and felt a small warmth in my heart. I let it stay there, and prayed that I would never forget that feeling...

* * *

I looked myself over in the mirror and finally decided I was presentable. Without Pikachu around, the routine had been nearly unbearable. I was a little worried I might find I'd forgotten something important, like putting on socks, or shoes that matched. Not that it really bothered me, but the others might notice, and anyway, even if I didn't care, I felt like _trying_ to care.

I lifted up the wristband of my glove, where I had written down the name 'Iris' on my palm. She'd like that, if I remembered her name. That would be a nice thing, the kind of thing friends did.

I took a deep breath and left the bedroom. I would have felt better with Pikachu by my side, but I could function without him. I knew where he was, I knew he'd never let me fall too far without jumping in to save me.

But the rest was up to me. "G'd morning, Cilan. G'd morning, N. Morning, Iris."

"Ash!" All of them were so shocked that no one noticed I'd gotten Iris' name right. Oh well... "You're awake!"

"Well, issss morning, right?" Still morning, though it looked like I'd missed breakfast completely. My friends shared a look between them that made me feel a little uncomfortable. "Um, can I help with anything?"

"No, I'm almost done washing up the breakfast dishes." Cilan told me, and Iris and N had already moved the tables and chairs back inside. All of the pokemon were starting to play on the outside lawn, drifiting away to their own devices.

"Oh... well, thanks for feeding everybody..." Taking care of my pokemon should have been my job, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd done anything responsible. I owed Iris, Cilan and N so much.

"No problem!" They were still giving me a weird look. "Do you want anything to eat? Cilan can whip something up for you."

"No, jusss an apple, that's fine..." I mumbled. I wasn't really hungry, even an apple seemed like too much, but I was trying to make an effort. Which was the real reason I forced myself to get up. "Oh! Do you have a ball?"

"A ball?" Iris dug around in her bag and produced a rubber ball the size of Axew. It was soft and light, and it made a funny noise when I bounced it off the floor. Not a heavy thud like a basketball, but a weird sort of 'ping'. For some reason, the sound made me giggle, which I hadn't done in weeks. "What do you need it for?"

"I want to play..." My team of pokemon were all outside in a small group, roughhousing with each other or just sunbathing. Without me. They looked fine, but not as happy and carefree as they should have been.

I made promises when I captured them, things I would do and be and help them become. I took them away from their homes, their friends and families and some of them weren't able to just leave and go back. They made a lot of sacrifices to be with me, but I had neglected them for weeks, barely spening time with them at all.

It was time to change that.

"Hey, guys..." I walked over and all my pokemon gave me the same look my other friends had. "Um... do you want to play? I, uh... I have a ball..." Still staring and utter silence. Maybe they were angry with me, maybe it would take more than this to forgive me? I probably wasn't any fun to play with anyway, even now I was mostly going through the motions. "Um, it could be fun, and, uh, I-I miss playing with you, and I'm sorry, and-" Sudenly I was up to my ears in Pokemon, tackled by the entire team, save Charmander, who just watched and laughed.

Making an effort was hard. Going through the motions was hard, and sometimes felt futile. But moments like this filled my soul with a glow that made all the struggles worth it. "'Sssokay guys, I'm back now, I'm back now... missed you too..."

* * *

Waking up in the morning started to get a bit easier. So did breathing, laughing, caring and all the other things that make up living. Maybe it was the resolve I'd found to push forward through everything, or maybe it was knowing that as alone as I sometimes felt, my friends were still watching and would grab me before I fell straight through the floor. Or maybe it was finally finding a combination of medication that dealt with my symptoms without the depressing side effects.

But whatever it was, I had a little bit of traction under my feet, and I could walk forward. When I said things were going to be okay, it didn't feel like such a lie.

"All right, you two. We're going to need three diced onions and two potatoes added to the soup." Oshawott and I were helping Cilan prepare dinner, me with utensils and he with his scalchop, though the end result probably would be better if Cilan just kicked us out and took over. But I was having a nice day, spending time with people I cared about and feeling useful. I was creating happy memories that would live forever in my friends and feelings that would be a bright star to me even after I'd forgotten the details.

That was what my life was for, I decided, and I'd forgotten that, lost it. I had to fight and claw to get those things back now, but I was determined that I would.

We were having a pleasant evening, but then my arms started shaking. "Ow!" The knife in my hand nicked my finger before I dropped it and it clattered to the floor.

"_Osha-oshawott!"_

"Over here, Ash." Cilan grabbed my flailing and bleeding hand and pulled me over to the sink. Even though I couldn't hold still and cooperate, Cilan did his best to wrench my hand under the cold water until the bleeding stopped. "Maybe you shouldn't be doing the chopping," he said with a wry smile, and I nodded through my tears. The cut only stung a little and the bleeding stopped in no time, but for some reason I couldn't stop crying. It was just a few tears, but I couldn't hold them back, and I wasn't sure if they cam from pain, sadness or joy. For all I knew, it might have been the onions.

"Thank you," I told Cilan and Oshawott after I'd got a band-aid and the knife had been picked up.

"Sure. Everything okay?" Oshawott jumped onto my shoulder to ask the same question.

"Yeah, I mean... I don't know, I just..." I gestured to my face and found myself smiling despite the waterworks that wouldn't stop. "Everything j-just feels so normal!" And maybe that was the reason I was crying, gratitude. That I could get hurt and cry and be with my friends just like every other day in the history of my life, and I didn't live under a dark cloud anymore.

But for Cilan and Oshawott, things probably didn't feel so normal. They were looking into my world from the outside, and in their world, the storm was still on the horizon. Eventually the rains would come and they would have to say goodbye, and they had already seen so much destruction.

Unexpectedly, Cilan stepped forward and hugged me, and Oshawott threw his little arms around my neck, shell clattering on the tile. But their crying didn't feel painful, just sad. Sadness was okay, I felt sad, too, but we could hug each other and share that until the three of us broke apart with little smiles on our faces.

That's what had changed. Things were still serious and sad, but nothing was broken.

"Let's get back to work," Cilan wiped at his eyes. "Ash, think you can wash lettuce for the salad?"

I looked down at my arms that were still twitching, but nodded. Maybe I'd get water all over the kitchen, but I felt like taking on a challenge.

And in fact, I did end up splashing water all over the place, which Oshawott helped me mop up. But the two of us got a devious idea, and later as I was about to sift icing sugar, I sneakily picked up a cup of that white powder and hurled it across the table at Cilan.

"Oops. Sorry," I giggled, trying to look innocent. "Reflexes, you know. Couldn't help it."

His wide eyes against the sea of white that covered his face and hair was so comical, but the next look that crossed over his face was pure evil.

"Is that the way you want to play?" Before I could move, he had his hands full of cake batter and was smearing it all over my hair.

"Ah! N-no, get him Oshawott!" Oshawott tossed diced tomatoes at Cilan while I got my hands on the whipping cream and tried to douse him. Cilan gave up on the food fight and resorted to tickling, at which point Oshawott defected to his side, and eventually the three of us collapsed into a howling heap on the floor.

"My masterpiece is ruined," Cilan moaned, while I just kept giggling.

"I haven't l-laughed so hard, l-laughed so hard in..." I trailed off. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed. "H-haven't l-laughed like that in a long time..."

"Niether have I," Cilan replied. Oshawott decided that since there was no hope for desert, he might as well eat the strawberries, and Cilan told him to go for it. But the two of us stayed on the kitchen floor, laughing, content and covered in food until Iris walked in and called us a bunch of kids.

* * *

When N first started ranting about how he figured out how to balance my equation, I tuned him out. Math just isn't my thing, and N can get way too enthusiastic about his formulas. Get him on the subject of ferris wheels and he can go for hours.

But this time N was insistent. "No, really! Come with me, Ash!" He grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the Pokemon Center. "I just solved all our problems!"

"What-what are you talking about?" But my question was soon answered by the scenery. As we ran down the road, a mist came up to surround us, and before long, the city had completely disappeared. N and I were now standing in front of a clear pool, in a tranquil, beautiful grove of trees.

"What just happened?" I asked, somewhat hushed. I couldn't say why, but this felt like a sacred place.

"You don't remember, do you?" N asked. "This is my hideout, where I lived with Concordia and Anthea." As he spoke, the two of them stepped out of the trees. "We came here after a Team Plasma attack."

"Oh..." I didn't remember any of that, but it seemed to mean a lot to N, and his eyes were almost sparkling.

"Ash, this pool has healing properties."

It took a second for the implications of that to sink in, and when it did, I almost squealed. N continued on, "Don't you see? This is the answer! This water can heal all your injuries! You'll be able to live a long life and talk and get your memory back, and..." He kept talking, but my mind started to wander down other paths.

Yes, I was excited. Yes, this sounded like the miracle we'd all been praying for but never thought could happen. Yes, I wanted to be healed and made whole again.

But there was a part of me that was afraid. I had lived so long like this... what if I actually did get my memories back? What if I remembered that old life and didn't like what I found? Would I lose my current memories? My experiences had changed me, I was a new person now, but what happened when I got my old memories back and felt like the old person?

But even if that was the case, going through that experience of identity crisis a second time was worth it to have a long, healthy life in front of me. "Isn't this great? You'll be back to normal!" And then there was that. Wasn't I normal already? Wasn't I good enough, just as I was? I didn't like being made to feel like I was substandard just because I was a little different.

But N wasn't trying to insult me, he was trying to save my life. "Come on, Ash!" I followed N down into the water, excitement and apprehension at war. What if it didn't work? What if it did? What if it changed everything, or changed nothing? I had so many questions, and all I could do was lay in the water and wait to see what happened...

...Honestly, it didn't feel like anything special. It just felt like water. I sat up and shook the drops out of my baseball cap while N could barely contain his enthusiasm. "How do you feel? Did it work?"

I did feel nice, but it was kind of hard to say anything definite. Looking down at my hands, I saw there was a band-aid on my finger and pulled it off. The cut under there was completely healed, the skin looked like it had never been broken. "Wow..."

"It_ is_ working!" N was ecstatic. "Anything else? Can you remember anything?" I looked up at N's two friends, Concordia and Anthea. Still didn't remember anything about them. I had N write out a simple math equation for me, and I still had trouble with the numbers. When I talked, I still had a bit of slur and stutter.

"I dunno, N... d-do we have to do something special?" I got up out of the pool and took off my gloves to lay them in the sun. They were always really uncomfortable when they got wet. "Think the bigger things take more time?" It was then that my hands started shaking. "Aw, man..."

N shoved me back into the water and almost drowned me. "No, it has to work, it has to!" he insisted, and once I was back in the healing pool, my hands did stop shaking for a second. But they didn't stay that way permanently, and I watched N's face go white. "No... Why isn't this working?"

"Not everything can be healed so simply," his friends tried to explain, basically telling him the pool wasn't going to work for me, but I became interested in something else. Now that my gloves were off, I could see my left hand and the scar that was on my wrist, from that psychotic break so long ago. The little cut on my finger had healed, but the scar was still there.

It was ugly to look at, but weren't they the same? The cut had healed up perfectly, like lots of my cuts and bruises did, so that you couldn't tell there had ever been a problem. My wrist had bumps and discolored evidence that an injury had occurred, but it was just as healed as the rest of me. The skin covered my veins, it stitched itself up and protected my insides and whatever other stuff skin was supposed to do. I hadn't healed exactly as before, but there was nothing wrong with my wrist or the scars that remained.

And my brain, hadn't it healed a long time ago? The dead tissue was a lost cause, there was no hope for it, but the rest of the brain healed itself just fine. The blood clotted, the functions returned, and it had found a way for me to communicate and remember and keep on living, even with the damaged bits. No matter what accidents happened, my body put itself back together and kept on living. It handled the electric shocks as best it could and tried to contain the damage, it did exactly what it was supposed to do.

The healing powers of the pool couldn't do anything for me, because I had already healed. It couldn't fix me, because I wasn't broken.

The cells in my brain were still dying, but so were all the other cells. That was part of growing older, things aging and weakening and ultimately dying. If I stayed in the water, these tremors might never get worse, but the pool couldn't replace what had already died. Staying here, I might never get any older, never have any sicknesses or ailments, but what kind of life was that? And in the meantime, my body had been sustaining terrible blows to it's basic infrastructure, and holding itself together magnificently. I still could talk to people, I still had some capacity for memory, I was still walking and moving and making an impact on this world.

That was what the pool had been trying to tell me. I was never dying.

All along, I was living.

"It's okay, N! It did work!" I cried out, feeling a big smile stretch across my face. He looked over at me with disbelief. "I'm fine! Itss not perfect, but it's fine, I'm okay!"

I could stay here and every dying part of me might never get worse, I might stay young and healthy forever, but I didn't want that. I wanted to be out in the world, vibrant and changing, challenging everything that came my way. I wanted to train my pokemon until I heard future generations telling their legends, I wanted to win a regional tournament so my Orange League trophy didn't look so lonely on the shelf, I wanted to see all the different kinds of pokemon that existed and make friends with every single one.

I wanted to hug Pikachu and never let him go. I wanted to fly around on Charmander and watch Pignite use Flame Charge. I wanted to see the crocodile become a champion, I wanted to tickle the baby lizard, watch Unfeazant fly, I wanted to watch Snivy trying so hard to pretend she didn't think the little blue otter was funny...

That was life. This spring couldn't give that back to me because I already had it.

N took a lot more convincing, but I felt so relieved. I wasn't broken. I wasn't a mistake. I wasn't a waste. My life would end, just like everyone else's did, but I wasn't dying.

I was living. And I was ready to enjoy every wonderful second I could.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: I Will Be With You (Where The Lost Ones Go )

* * *

~ _Leave and let me go... You're not meant for me, I know... Carry on, carry on, and I'll stay strong_ ~

* * *

Living without Pikachu attached to my shoulder was harder than most people understood. Even if they knew that we shared a close bond, they couldn't really know all the little things Pikachu had brought to my life with his presence. Even I didn't fully realize it, until it was gone. But hardest of all was seeing how okay I was with Pikachu being absent. As good as it was to learn to stand on my own two feet, I was afraid that I would rewrite all the old patterns, all the old memories that Pikachu belonged in.

I didn't want to forget my best friend for a second time.

So when Pikachu finally came out of his self-imposed exile, I was relieved. My sould cried with joy, and my face beamed from ear to ear.

He wasn't so excited. _"We need to talk." _

Yes, we certainly did.

Pikachu and I found a secluded little place just inside the forest, after my friends had impressed on him that he absolutely could not let me out of his sight. I rolled my eyes at them, even though my past behavior certainly warranted their concern. And even if it hadn't, my physical capabilities had changed, I had to get used to a new life, one where I had to rely more on the people around me.

I accepted it, but I didn't always have to like it. Pikachu and I settled on the ground, facing each other.

"I missed you."

Pikachu looked away. _"I missed you, too. Pikapika chu~ But you look like you're doing better now."_

"I'm a lot better, yeah... thanks. You were a big help." Pikachu looked confused. "I didn't, I didn't see you beside me, most of the time, but thinking back, you were always there, weren't you? Thank you..."

"_Pikachu should have pikapikachupi you needed me."_

"It's fine," I eased his worries. It was in the past. "I'm fine now, have everything I need. What about you?" I hoped he would say he was ready to come home. That he'd spent some time away thinking about things and healing, and now he was going to return.

"_I came to say goodbye."_

"...s'rry, what?" At first I thought I heard wrong, but then Pikachu repeated himself and all my happiness and understanding and forgiveness came raining down like bricks. "What-what do you mean 'goodbye'? Can't just leave! You have to come back first!"

"_Pikachu pika better this way pika pikaka-"_

"No, it's not better!" I insisted. I didn't care what his reasons were. "Only made it 'cause of you! Was sad and you helped, lost and you helped! You did that!"

"_And I did piika!"_ He pointed at me, tiny finger drawing a thunderbolt in the air. _"PikaCHU pika my fault pikachu reason you're hurt in the first place."_

"It wasn't you! Other people, not you!" How many times could we have this same conversation? "What does it take to make you see that?"

"_That's not it! Pika, pikachu! Pikapika don't understand, pikachu... I can't stay here." _ The tone in his voice worried me, it sounded like we were talking about more than guilt.

I was scared to think of what that meant. "Pikachu, we're a team... have to decide this together..." Pikachu glowered at me for a bit, probably because he knew I intended to talk him out of whatever he'd decided, but he eventually gave in.

"_Pika." _We both settled in for the most important discussion we would ever have.

The atmosphere was awkward, but I decided there was no choice but to plunge cheerily ahead. "I think, I think we should act like all this never happened." Pikachu folded his arms.

"_I think that's stupid."_

"Well, 'course it'll be _different,_" I glared back, trying to stay positive. "Doctors and stuff, but we can deal with that. Doesn't have to change _us._" I saw a glimmer in Pikachu's eyes and knew he wanted to agree with me. "We can travel and train just like before. I'm lots better now, doctor says maybe this week can go, we could still journey together!"

"_Pikapikachu really stupid." _ Pikachu refused to back down from his position. _ "You pikapika never piakchu but I pikachu stupid if you think pikachu kaa."_

"What's so stupid about it?" Pikachu repeated himself, but I couldn't pick up his full meaning, and he grew more and more exasperated.

Seeing the two of us were at an impasse, Pikachu sighed and looked back towards the Pokemon Center. _"PIKAAA~!"_

A bit later, N came jogging up to us. "What is it?"

"_Pika, pikachu?"_ N looked between me and Pikachu, suddenly awkward.

"Is it alright with Ash if I translate? I don't want to intrude."

"Oh, fine," I muttered. Given that this conversation was a bit personal, I was kind of embarrassed to admit I wasn't fluent in Pikachu's language, but I also had to concede we needed the help. "What don't I understand, understand?"

Pikachu spoke a volley of words that I only partially understood, and N cleared his throat. "Pikachu thinks it's a terrible idea for you to travel with him-"

"Pikachu, none of this is your fault!"

"It's not a matter of blame, it's practicality," N said for Pikachu, who looked much less ornery now that he had a voice to convey his thoughts to me. "He says you've already had several accidents involving his attacks, so it's stupid to pretend it couldn't happen again. If it were anything but him, you wouldn't travel with something so obviously dangerous, but you're both so blinded by your friendship that you ignore the fact you've been playing Russian Roulette for years." When my face took on a full glare, N squirmed. "That's what he feels."

"So we're gonna let the bad guys decide our lives?" I challenged, "What about our other friends, should I just give up training them? Dangerous, too, right? Should I give up being a Pokemon Master?"

"_No, but pikachu electric attacks too powerful pikapika..." _I didn't wait for N's translation.

"You're not like a stove, or knife, like, not a thing," I argued. "Not a thing, you're a friend! And friends don't give up like that!" Pikachu grimaced when I said that, but I took it as a victory. I absolutely could not lose this argument and let him go...

"_Pikachu, pikaa? Pikachu, Pikapi you need to be smart. Pikachu, what if pikaka and learned new ones?"_

"What if you got rid of Pikachu's electric attacks and taught him new ones?" N translated. Pikachu was conceding some territory to me, trying to make a compromise. "He says you're too sentimental and you need to be smart and approach the problem logically."

"Like removing-removing your electric sacs or teaching you j-just Normal-type moves?" Pikachu flinched, but he nodded.

"_Pi have to think about safety, pikapika already given up a lot. It's only fair."_ No, it wasn't. Becuase I love Pikachu and I love that Pikachu loves himself, and I love training him and feeling jolts of fear that this thing in front of me is practically a God but he obeys my orders.

"Okay, but if that machine got Ch-charmander instead, you think it'd be safer? Just 'cause it's not Th-thunderbolt? Charmander's strong too, bet he could hurt me. And if you didn't have Thunderbolt, wouldn't that guy just make you use Iron Tail?" All the blood drained out of Pikachu's face. Apparently that never crossed his mind. "If you used that, I'd be dead."

"_Pika, maybe I shouldn't be here at all!"_ Pikachu shrieked, half from anger and half from fear. I'd rattled him with that last bit. _"You're right! If pikapikachu pi could make me do anything! Pika, pika chuuu!"_

"Pikachu thinks you're right, and if he gets controlled again-"

"I might get hurt and so he needs to go away, I've heard it all before!" I snapped. "But I don't want him to go. You fought back, broke that machine! Could have killed me but you didn't! That's not chance, Pikachu, you did that. No one else. You." I could tell Pikachu was touched, and there was relief and gratitude in his eyes.

But still, N relayed the words, "That's great, but you're still going to die. It would be better if you didn't get hurt at all."

"Like maybe if we'd never met, is that what you're saying?" Sometimes I wanted to punch Pikachu, I really did. As if he had any right to stand there and nod his head, even hesitantly, and pretend every second with him wasn't worth dying for. How dare he negate all I felt before my Pokemon Journey, when Gary treated me like dirt and a starter pokemon seemed like the only chance I had at having a friend. Pikachu was a better friend than I knew existed, and he showed me the difference between 'friendship' and just 'not being by myself'. He made me feel loved, and made me feel a love for him that I couldn't ever comprehend before.

And he dared to tell me now that it would have been better to doom me to my old life than endure some disabilities? No one got to tell me what my feelings were worth. As if Pikachu could understand what it felt like to train him, to watch him grow and heal and become something wonderful, and know that I had a part in that. Loving Pikachu was the best thing in my whole life, and being loved by him was a very close second. When I was lost and at the end of all my strength, it was that love for Pikachu that convinced me to keep on living, keep on fighting...

"Liar! You were okay with all of it, all the birds that day? You love that story! Nearly died!" That memory with Spearow and lightning that makes me hyper-aware of my own mortality... I hate thinking about it, but it's inexplicably a memory that Pikachu treasures. "How is this any different?"

"_Well, if I'd known it would turn into a regular thing, I would have pika pikachu!"_

"What about you? I'm a risk, too!" Pikachu frowned and his brow furrowed a little.

"_What are you talking about?"_

"I don't know, why don't we ask N?" I replied with a bit of a hiss. "I bet he could tell us lots, tell us all the reasons p-pokemon should be scared of trainers."

"_PIkachu!"_

"You two are different!" I felt a little bad for N, since both Pikachu and I were running on high emotions and this conversation was about to get very real...

"Never noticed, Pikachu? I'm five times your size!" Before he could answer, I reached out and grabbed his paw. I held it as gently as if we were playing, but my face was cold. "Think_ I _never have to hold back? 'Cause I could s-snap your arm like a t-twig right now."

"_Like you would," _Pikachu muttered, and as flattered as I was to have his total trust, he was missing the point.

"What if next time I got hit by a machine thing? One that controls humans? Could happen to you, could happen to me, right? And you couldn't stop me."

"That would never happen! We can't be afraid of every tiny possibility!"

"You are," I countered once N had finished translating. "Just 'cause I've never been p-possesss'd doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Or maybe I lose my mem'ry again? Or-"

"Wait, what?" N turned to Pikachu with a look of shock, and the two of them proceeded to argue without me. Pikachu clearly didn't want to tell me, but since it was too obvious to ignore, N revealed, "Ash, apparently you _have_ been possessed before."

"_You didn't hurt anything!"_ Pikachu ranted, suddenly uncomfortable. _"Pika pika and a battle, nothing else! Mostly you just pika cranky!"_

"You're understating that just a bit, aren't you?" N chided, and I just sat back. There would be time later to freak out over the thought that something had taken over my body and all the consequences that might have resulted, but right now I had to win the argument that decided the future of our friendship.

"Pikachu," I teased, way more smug than I should have been, "Your argument's falling apart." Whatever Pikachu said next, N refused to repeat it. "What are you so afraid of? Know accidents happen, but bad things happen even if we're not powerful, right? You'd never hurt me and I'd never hurt you, know that..." We could get hit by a bus, some legendaries might have a fight and decide that the world can go to pieces around them, some Team Rocket grunt might finally decide we know too much about them and need to be eliminated. All of that was a risk whether Pikachu was with me or not, and now I wasn't sure if I could make plans past my next birthday. Maybe Pikachu could see his whole life, past, present and future, but all I had was right now.

And right now I wanted to chase my dreams with the person who made me the happiest. "Pikachu says he's not afraid, and he's not feeling guilty," N said with a look that told me Pikachu totally did. "He's just looking at the facts. It's safer for you if he's not around-"

"Don't try to make this about me! It's about you," I challenged, suddenly angry. "Itssss always been about you!" Pikachu looked taken aback, so I plunged forward. "You didn't leave because you wanted to help me, being with me would have helped me! You left because you couldn't s-stand to be around! And that's fine," I insisted, when my accusations looked to be ripping Pikachu apart, "Know you were hurting too, maybe you needed to be away, but don't lie and say it's to protect me!"

We were digging deeper now, enough that I started to worry about what we'd uncover. "It doesn't matter what you _think _I feel," Pikachu said through N, "Because my attacks crippled you and that's a fact!"

"What, you think you can possibly make it _worse?_"

"Your life is more important!" Pikachu was in the sky, the air, the sun. He was in my blood, my soul, he was in everything. As if he didn't feel the same way, even if it took moving heaven and earth to get him to say so out loud.

"You are my life! I don't want you to go!"

"_That's the problem, pikaaa what's wrong with you?" _Pikachu started shouting something that apparently translated to "I don't like that you're so dependent on somebody who keeps on attacking you!"

"Not your fault!"

"That's not the point! Look at yourself, look at what's happened to you! Something in your life is destroying you and you can't live without it! I can't be a part of that!"

But he was wrong. I could live without Pikachu. I lived for ten years without him, and I could live another ten, fifty or even a hundred more without him. I might even learn to be happy. But just because I could didn't mean I wanted to. Life was better with Pikachu, so much better that if I had just one more year alive with Pikachu I would gladly take that over another ninety years without him. If push came to shove, I'd offer up the rest of my life in exchange for just a few more minutes. I could live without Pikachu if I had to, but I'd rather fight for every second together I could get.

I knew life was fleeting. I'd learned that the hard way. I could make beautiful memories, but I couldn't keep them. I could write in my journal or take pictures and keep mementos in an attempt to emblazon the feelings on my heart, but I couldn't trust my memory, and those things only existed in Pikachu. Our past together was kept with him, and my future was just as abstract to me. As someone who'd died at least once, I knew it could happen again, but I also knew that the life I had left to me couldn't be preserved. Those precious things couldn't be recalled later.

So I had to keep them in front of me for as long as I could.

"Look at _me?_" I seethed, desperate not to lose him. "_You_ look! What do you see? This?" My hands were still as the dead; figures they wouldn't shake the one time I needed to prove a point. I waved them around to convey tremors. "What is this? It doesn't mean anything! Oh, Ash can't talk, e-everyone says, how can he p-possibly live like that? But it doesn't mean anything! Being scared, and the big feelings, Black and Yellow and all that, it's hard, but it's not me! Doesn't mean anything either!" Fears, anxiety, phobias, depression, psychotic breaks, schizophrenia, and all the other big words the doctors threw at me to try and explain what was happening in my head, not one of them affected what my life was worth.

"But you and me, that means something," I tried to impress on Pikachu. "You and me, this, right here..." This had meaning, this was what living was all about. "It's the only thing that really matters. Everything else about me, sss not important, but this is..." Training Pikachu, along with the others, was the only thing that made me important. This bond between us was the most precious jewel in the world, and I could tell Pikachu saw it too. "Things change, and maybe bad things happen, but i-it balances. Because hearts stay the same. Love each other, partners, that's what makes us happiest."

"_Pika I don't think that's true anymore!"_ Pikachu blurted out.

All the sounds in the forest went off.

All the lights that weren't shining directly on our small space went out. N shakily began to translate, but I cut him off.

"I heard him," I said through clenched teeth. I didn't know how to react, Pikachu had pulled the rug out from under me. I thought I was tearing down our defenses, but Pikachu's army wasn't even at the gate. "Y-you... you don't think...?"

"_Pi pi not that I don't care about you!"_ Pikachu hurried to say, and I let N repeat it because I hoped I would hear something different. "I love you, but I don't think that's worth all the suffering-"

"Well, it is!" I screamed before N finished. "How many times do I have to tell you? S-stop pretending you understand how much I love you or h-how I can forgive you, because you never can! I want you more than anything!"

Pikachu was quiet. With tears in his eyes, he looked to N.

"Ash," N said softly. "Pikachu meant it's not worth _his_ suffering..."

_No..._

"What are you saying?" I whispered. Pikachu could only look at the ground.

"_Pikapi, pikachu strong enough to keep doing this, pika pika but I can't..." _ I felt everything suspended in the air by tiny Spinarak threads, just waiting to fall and shatter. I felt like I was in that recurring dream of mine, the one I knew to be a memory, where I was falling into red oblivion at the Tree of Beginning to be lost in the dark place, and all I could feel was my hand slipping through Pikachu's fingers.

In the end, he always let go.

"Don't give up," I pleaded, allowing myself to cry openly. I turned to N and tried to gain his support. "We're a team, we can find a way... whatever you're feeling, we can work it out..." But N's eyes were just as sad, and his voice just as heartbreaking.

"You can't feel how much Pikachu is suffering," he told me, and it felt like driving straight into a wall.

**THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! HE HATES YOU! YOU BROKE HIM, YOU BREAK EVERYTHING! EVERYONE YOU KNOW IS GOING TO SUFFER AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! HE'S GOING TO LEAVE AND THEN I'LL FIND YOU AND I'LL KILL YOU! NO BEST FRIEND TO PROTECT YOU ANYMORE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

_No, this is the part where you tell me it's going to be all right,_ I cried mentally. This was where Pikachu was supposed to jump in and declare we'd fight whatever threatened us together, and make me promise not to ever leave him alone. Pikachu was the hand I could always hold, he was the one constant presence, the only one who never left me...

All the times we pushed and pulled each other through our struggles... All the times we cried together and swore we'd find a way to laugh again... Was it just a lie? Before my journey, I wouldn't have believed the idea that any pokemon would even want to be out of their pokeball and walking down the boring old road with me, and discovering my new reality after the accident, I _couldn't_ believe it. That anyone would want to put up with my friendship after Gary pushed me away, that anyone would want to help carry all the baggage I'd accumulated with my injuries, that pokemon would want me around for stuff other than training and battles... I didn't know why. Sometimes I still didn't.

But Pikachu made me believe in it. Pikachu made me believe that pouring all my love into something wasn't useless, that everyone did that, and that I was worthy of being called a best friend. Pikachu told me I was good enough just for trying to overcome my hurdles, that he loved me just because I loved him and I didn't need to be anything else. Pikachu told me I could do anything, and together we would achieve every dream we'd ever had.

And even with Black screaming in my ears that Pikachu was a liar and my whole life was worth nothing, I knew it wasn't true.

"You don't mean it..." _You're lying, Pikachu. You know your lies are driving this enormous wedge between us and you're lying anyway... _"You promised..."

"_I'm sorry, Pikapi." _ How broken was he, to say that to me now? How far to the edge had I pushed him, that he would give up on me, on everything? _ "I can't do this."_

"But, you-"

"_Please don't make me watch you die again."_ My heart froze over, all righteous fury gone. _"Pikachu seen it so many times, pikaka harder and harder pikachupika can't go through it again, I know I can't, pikachuu..."_

I couldn't ask him to stay. He had promised that, but he owed me nothing, and never had. I'd always asked more of Pikachu than any other friend, and he bore more for my sake than anyone ever should have had to bear. He didn't ask for any of this, and I'd ruined his life just as surely as Team Plasma ruined mine.

It was time to be a good friend, a good trainer. I had to let him go. _ "Goodbye, Pikapi."_ Pikachu got up and walked away, without giving me even a glance. But every step he took sent my world reeling.

_Don't let him leave,_ my mind kept whispering. _Don't let him. If he leaves now, he won't come back._

"Pikachu, wait!" I found my strength and leapt to my feet, and at my voice, Pikachu stopped. He wouldn't turn around, probably didn't dare to look me in the eye. "P-please, not like this, not like this... don' leave me like this..."

If we said goodbye, it shouldn't be with pain and arguments ringing in our ears. That wasn't how to say goodbye to friends, even Charmander hadn't left this coldly. Pikachu didn't turn around as I walked to him, didn't give me more than a flinch when I knelt down behind him and didn't say a word when I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close.

I still couldn't believe this was really happening.

I wasn't the only one who'd been suffering, I had to think of Pikachu, but was I wrong to want him to stay? Was I wrong to believe in the bond that had gotten us through so much? There used to be a time when I knew who I was and what was right, and nothing was too complicated for me and Pikachu to work out, but now I wasn't sure of anything.

_Pikachu, I still need you. I need us. Tell me you need that, too. Just say the words and we can turn this whole thing around._

I hoped for that, and tried to send all my love through the embrace, but Pikachu was a stone. He wasn't going to change his mind, and it was time to say goodbye.

All the things I wanted to say to Pikachu... _Be safe, I'll miss you, I love you, training you was the best thing that ever happened to me..._ There was too much to say, and I couldn't find the words. I was sure that if we just stayed together we could have gotten through this, we could have changed history, we could have changed the world, but I couldn't force Pikachu to believe in that. Because I'd also promised Pikachu a lot of things, and one by one I was breaking them all.

So many thoughts pressing down on me, all the things I needed to say and the only message I could choke out was "Thank you." _For being with me, for taking care of me. For being the friend I was praying for. For believing in me, helping me succeed and extending a hand when I failed. For showing me what it was like to have something worth protecting, something worth dying for. For always being my strength and my power, my hope and my courage._

"Thank you." I pushed the words out through my teeth and my tears. "I love you. And I was so happy..."

Pikachu remained silent, so I hugged him tighter. "This is the part where you say you love me too."

And then he sobbed.

I kept him locked in my arms as we both cried, unwilling to let go. I couldn't let the moment be over, even if I knew it was inevitable. "'M so proud of you, so proud," I told him through hiccups. "Loved training you, loved all of it. Be your best, k? Don't be sad..." Pikachu wouldn't say anything, but I felt him nod against my arms. "And come home, too. Even if you don't wanna see me, the others love you, they miss you, all our friends, so come home..." Again, Pikachu gave an almost imperceptible nod.

But he still wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. Maybe his resolve wouldn't have held if he did.

"I'm gonna be a pokemon master," I promised him, "Best in the world. Better than the leagues and the champions, you'll hear..."

"_I can't wait..."_ Pikachu whispered, _"I'll cheering for you..." _ I buried my face in the top of his head and tried not to scream.

"Please don't leave..." My voice was so tiny, I'm not sure Pikachu heard it. I'm not even sure if I really said it out loud. No longer content to sit and watch this drama from the sidelines, N ran up.

"Wait! Pikachu, are you sure you want to do this?" he cried. "I can hear the voice of your heart, you know, and you-"

"_Pika." _ Pikachu told N to mind his own business.

"But you-"

"_This is for the best." _ No it wasn't. It certainly wasn't doing me any favors.

But Pikachu's heart was his own, and I broke it. I couldn't force him in this.

So when Pikachu pushed against my arms, I slowly let them inch apart, dragging out these last seconds. Finally Pikachu was able to leave, and he gave my arm one last gentle nuzzle with his cheek.

"_I love you, Pikapi." _ And before I could say anything, he was gone.

I didn't have the strength to get back to my feet, and beside me, N was just as shocked.

"I can't believe he really left! He didn't want to at all!" Somehow, I suspected that, but here we were anyway. "His heart was screaming the opposite the whole time!"

"But you said he was suffering..." My voice didn't sound like mine. Someone else lived in my body and did all the breathing and talking and thinking; my consciousness was still looking into the dark forest where my best friend disappeared.

"He was... His heart was in such pain." N knelt down beside me. "I don't understand this!"

"Y-you're the one who says it'd be better if trainers released all their pokemon. Should be happy..."

"Well, maybe I was wrong!" That shook me out of my funk a little. N hated to be wrong, zealous to a fault. "The two of you were different! Why did you let him go? Both of you want to be together!"

"He battled for a really long time... deserves to rest now..." N didn't get it right away. "If I made him stay when he was unhappy, I'd be the kind of trainer you hate, right?" I dusted off my jeans and stood up, giving one last look at the space Pikachu disappeared through. "You'll look out for him, please? 'Cause he's gonna be lonely..."

"Of course. I'll tell all my friends, he won't be alone."

"Good." Pikachu would be safe and happy, looked after by N and every pokemon he knew. Now I had to try and be happy, too.

N followed me as I walked back to the Pokemon Center, both our spirits gloomy. "Ash, are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine." I was crying a river. But it would stop eventually, everything would stop eventually. I had lots of friends, lots of things that needed doing, I could go through life without Pikachu.

But right now, I missed him so much it hurt to breath. "... N? Can I ask you...?"

"What? Anything, Ash." N was so awkward, so out of touch with people. When it came to human beings, N didn't understand anything, he was a terrible comforter.

But he followed _me_ out of the forest, not Pikachu. "Can you pretend I'm not a trainer, this once? Just pretend I'm a pokemon, like one of your friends...?"

N had his arms around me in a second, and I spent most of the night crying all over his shirt.

* * *

Rain splattered against my window like a machine gun, while the lightning spread like pure, white cracks in the sky. The thunder came long enough after the flashes that I knew the heart of the storm was far away, but the sound was still deafening, and I wondered how the others could possibly sleep through it.

I was too angry to sleep. I hated lightning. Lightning was bold and frightening and it burnt up everything. The beauty was a lie; it left ugly marks if you tried to touch it, and the idea that you could control it was an illusion. Lighting would only stay long enough to burn it's presence onto you, but by the time the thunder arrived to share the sky, it was gone. Thunder could chase after lightning until the world ended, but it would never catch up. I hated lightning.

But more than that, I hated how much I wanted to be out on that storm.

After a few more minutes of being dazzled by the flashes, I decided enough was enough. I grabbed a pokeball and slipped on my shoes without waking my friends, then boldly stepped out into the rain.

I was drenched in seconds, but it didn't matter to me. With pounding feet, I put as much distance between myself and the Pokemon Center as I could, only stopping once my lungs demanded I quit. I was far away from all the buildings now, in a wooded area neat the sea side. I'd been here before, and knew there would be a small path leading down to the cove, even if I couldn't remember seeing it before. Though the downpour made it difficult, I found the path and gingerly made my way down.

I slipped up a few times but never fully lost my footing, and eventually I made it to the bottom and dashed into a small cave to be free from all the rain dumping on my head. After shaking some of the water out of my ears, I took out the pokeball I'd brought with me.

The metal was so cold against my hand, but it almost seemed to glow when it reflected back flashes of lightning. Like the light in the sky, this sphere contained a power that I couldn't really control, even if it told me it could be tamed.

I opened the pokeball and let the red light fill the cave.

A few seconds later, Charmander was in front of me, growling sleepily. Even after just waking up, he was a magnificent sight, and glorious dragon bathed in moonlight.

But I wans't intimidated by Charmander anymore.

"Hey!" I barked, forcing him to pay attention to me. "I'm releasing you."

Charmander was still for a few seconds, but then he just rolled his eyes at me. "Don't do that! I'm serious, Charmander!" That earned a reaction, and Charmander spat a tiny little flame that fizzled when it hit the wet ground. It took me a second to catch on, but then I remembered: his name had changed! I should have known that...

Not that I could remember what the new one was, though. "Look, you're released, 'k? Not training you anymore, so go!" He didn't budge, and I stomped my foot. "Mean it! Go! Get lost!"

Charmander sighed and looked to the mouth of the cave, them he looked back to me and raised an eyebrow. I facepalmed once it hit me. Of course Charmander couldn't go out in that weather, he was a Fire-type! With all that water, he could get sick, his tail might even go out, and since that was kind of the story of how we'd met, I should have known better.

"Fine, then, don't go right now..." I didn't think this plan through at all... Charmander began to laugh at me, and I snapped back, "Stay here till the rain stops, but I'm going! Goodbye!" I went to leave the cave, but Charmander grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Let go! Not your trainer anymore, so just leave me alone!"

Charmander roared in my face, as if that made me understand him any better, but I just glared right back. "I'm not scared of you," I hissed, "Can't just yell at me and get what you want anymore." For awhile, the two of us stubbornly held our ground while the lightning flashed intermittently. Charmander's grip tightened on my arm, not enough to be really painful but enough to hold me down. I knew from the way his muscles tensed that it took all he had to hold back and not bruise me, that he wanted to give me one good jerk and send me flying to the back of the cave like a rag doll, but I also knew he wouldn't. That was my life, all my pokemon could break me into a million pieces while I went around gambling that they wouldn't.

We humans were such idiots to think we could control nature without suffering the consequences.

After what seemed like eternity, Charmander finally let go of my arm and stepped solidly in front of the cave's axit, blocking my path. "What do you care? You never wanted me before!" I shouted, but nothing I did could get Charmander to move. The situation was uncomfortable enough without having to share a cave with the dragon I was trying to release.

But Charmander was furiously insistent I not leave the cave, and his temper was starting to show. "Oh, yeah. Roaring at me is really gonna help." I hugged myself and shivered. Charmander was always such a hot head.

Charmander took a deep breath and lowered his voice to more gentle growls, but I could only pick out a few things. _"...you... not... alone... rain..."_ He was frustrated about something, but also worried. With a jolt, helped along by some of Charmander's dramatic pointing, I realized he thought it was dangerous for me out in the rain, I'd get hurt or sick or lost. Or maybe he thought I was sick now. With the way my teeth were chattering, my hair and clothes plastered against my skin, I was starting to agree with him.

I finally gave a sneeze that nearly knocked me off my feet and gave up trying to leave the cave. There was nothing to do until the rain let up, except find a dry place to sit and try to remember Charmander's new name.

Now that I wasn't planning to run off into a gale, Charmander left his post and began inspecting driftwood in the back of the cave. I think he was trying to start a fire, but most of the wood he found was soaked through. "It's not fair, you know," I told him while he worked. "Leaving never bothered you. You were so ready to be with the, be with the other Charmander, I remember, didn't even think of me until it was t-too late. Never wanted to be here anyway." The look Charmander gave me said that wasn't true, and I knew that, but it was how I felt. Having people tell me I just didn't remember all the good things that happened later wasn't enough to make those feelings disappear.

"And now Pikachu's gone. The others too, right? Went to train or whatever in other places..." There were friends I only knew about from their presence in my pokedex. "And N, Cilan, um, dragon girl, they're gonna leave, too. Won't travel with me forever, just like all the other friends." But Charmander was especially frustrating because he had turned his back on that friendship for a small time. Even after we made up, he still left. I wasn't strong enough for him anymore, after all the times where he felt weak and relied on my strength.

"Just once, I want to be the one who leaves first." Not the one holding back tears as they waved goodbye. Charmander gave up on trying to build a fire out of soggy wood and plunked his tail down in front of me. He grew the flame on his tail to a small campfire, and the extra heat made me feel a lot better.

This was the way things were now, even if I couldn't' always remember how we got here. Charmander and I had been through ups as well as downs, and I'd made mistakes too, but all were forgiven. We'd reconciled and apologized for all the grief between us, and he owed me nothing now.

On the other hand, "I'm sorry for this," I quietly apologized, "I was really mean." Charmander just tossed his head and said he didn't care. He hadn't been taking me seriously anyway.

How could he stand me like this, so weak and broken? I used to get on Charmander's nerves when there was nothing wrong with me, and now I'd fallen so far that even Pikachu couldn't stand it anymore. Was there hope that any of my friends would stay?

"So, what happens now?" I asked aloud, and my soft words echoed off the cave walls. "When all my brain cells die off, you gonna push my wheelchair all the way to the Pokemon League?" Charmander looked over at me, craning his neck to see past his shoulder, while I drew my knees up to my chin. "When I'm so forgetful, and, um... like, can't think right, can't be a trainer... are you gonna leave then? 'Cause you won't be happy if you're not getting stronger." Charmander always had to be pushing his limits, so when we hit the edge of mine, what would we do? "Getting lazy while I t-twitch, for a trainer who doesn't even know your real name..."

"_Graaaawrrrr,"_ Charizard growled a bit, but I don't know if he was contradicting me or something else. He was the hardest of all my pokemon to understand. I don't think he always understood me, either.

Outside, the lightning continued to dazzle, and my anxiety spiked with each flash. But it was starting to come down, I was getting used to it. It was always that way, new disasters and tragedies would come to burn up my world, and I would endure until I got used to them. Over and over, like thunder forever chasing after lightning.

When the lighting stopped, what would push the thunder to go forward? Could it find something new to chase after, or was it bound by some rules it couldn't understand?

Under this same sky was Pikachu, somewhere in the night. The world wasn't so big that we couldn't be connected in some way. And I was willing to bet he was looking up at the lights in the sky and searching for the same answers I was.

Just as the thunder echoed across the sky, Pikachu was never so far away that my voice couldn't reach him.

"Hey, how far do you think I could run?" I asked Charmander, quiet and soft. "Before it all catches up to me? Think I could get to the top?"

Who really knew how much time I had left? We had tests and charts and stats to draw predictions, but right now there was strength in my limbs. A few months, a few years, or maybe even longer, I couldn't tell from my current position how long it would take before my body just gave up and quit.

Particularly since I never quit anything, ever. Death would have to catch me first.

A flash of lightning burst above me, and I couldn't help but grin up at it. _You watch me, Pikachu. You're the brightest thing in the sky, but I'm the thunder, and I'm always behind you. I'm going to go all the way through this world until I reach my dream, the one we were going to share together. And when I'm standing on top of the highest peak and see you looking up at me, you're gonna be so jealous, and I'm going to say..._

… "_Welcome home." _ I looked over to Charmander, whose eyes were filled with confidence, support and determination, and he grinned right back at me.

"... Let's see how fast I can run."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 : We Will Meet Again

* * *

~ We are bound together by fate set apart by what we've found ~

* * *

"It's so much fun out here!" I beamed at Mom through the videophone, happier than I'd felt in a long time. "D-decolore's so-so cool! There's tons of Pokemon and every island's different, saw a Caterpie... and flower! Island of flowers, so pretty..."

"That sounds wonderful!" Mom said with a wistful sigh. "I wish you'd taken pictures."

"I did, I did!" I grinned at her surprised face. Mom loved flowers, and I wasn't so scatterbrained that I couldn't do something nice once in a while. "Met this friend, um, Alexa, took lots of pictures-wait, no..." They weren't called that, "Um, moving pictures, with her camera. Show you when I get home!"

"Thank you, Ash! I can't wait!"

"You'll really like them. Alexa took lots, you can see all the different kinds, and flower pokemon, too!" Hopefully the part where we got attacked by Beedrill would be edited out. "Alexa's from K-kalos. DO you know where that is? I don't, but she has really cool pokemon, never seen those kinds..."

"You're thinking of traveling there, aren't you?" Mom teased, and I flushed.

"Coming home first! Like I promised! I didn't forget!" I had to visit home before going anywhere else, to see Mom and all my friends at Professor Oak's lab. Probably Dad, too, and I was hoping my message had made it through to Gary. We all had a lot to talk about...

"Gonna see you soon, okay?"

"Okay, Ash. I love you!"

"Love you, too! Bye!" The call ended and I ran over to where my friends were waiting in the Pokemon Center's lobby. "I'm ready!"

"Good, the next boat will be leaving soon." We all grabbed out backpacks and started to leave.

But something was missing. "Wait!" I held up my friends, "He's not here yet." My best friend wasn't there, and we couldn't leave without him. I looked behind the sofas and scanned the rest of the lobby. "Did he go somewhere?" Alexa looked confused, but Cilan and my other friend shared a look between them. "What?"

"Ash," Cilan looked like he was bracing himself, "Pikachu doesn't travel with us anymore."

"Who?"

The girl with purple hair put her hands on her hips. "You know, Pikachu, your best friend? Yellow mouse, red cheeks, stripes..."

_Pikachu..._ the weight on my shoulder, the static in the air, the light in the sky- **BIRDS POKEBALL SHRIEKING**- soft, heavy, cranky, silly- **"COME AND GET ME!"**- the pain in my heart and the stretch of my biggest smile- **RED EYES, HE'S KILLING YOU AND NOTHING CAN MAKE HIM STOP!**

"Oh..." How could I forget Pikachu? I wiped away the tears that had suddenly sprung to my eyes. "Forgot, I guess, sorry..."

"He decided he needed to be on his own for a bit."

_Don't lie, he's not coming back. _ "And I just let him go?" Of course I let him go. I remembered a campfire and a bunch of Pikachu in a forest, I remembered a cool Thunderstone in my palm and an empty hospital room, I remembered Butterfree against the setting sun and Charmander crying in a pool. The red-headed girl and the other cooking friend, Max and his sister, the girl with all the clothes, the clumsy friend who gave me my first journal and all the others who used to travel with me but now only exist in old photographs.

Of course I let Pikachu go. I let everybody go.

"Ash, it was your idea to go traveling through the Decolore Islands." Even if I wanted to latch onto my best friends ankle and beg until he changed his mind, I was Pikachu's trainer, not just his friend. All my Pokemon gave up a lot of freedom to let me capture them, and trusted a lot of basic things to my care. If they would be happier somewhere else, I was honor-bound to let them go.

Part of me clung to some fantasy that Pikachu would return, any moment, his shadow would stretch across the ground and I'd turn to find him standing against the sun. I don't know why I thought that might happen, because the other part of me knew Pikachu was and idiot sometimes and I was a bigger idiot for thinking I could put someone through so much without breaking them. Just leaving wouldn't solve all Pikachu's problems, and it wasn't really helping me, but I couldn't force him to stay where he wasn't happy.

"Right, well..." a few sighs, a lot of blinking and I regained composure. "Sorry, I'm fine. Let's go."

"Are you sure?"

"Boat is leaving, can't be late!" Nothing to do but press forward. It was hard, and I wasn't okay with this yet, but I could learn to be. Just another change I needed to get used to.

But somewhere under this blue sky was Pikachu. He was far away now, but still on his own journey, still living in this shared world and affecting my life. Most of all, loving me with all his heart, and he didn't need to be right by my side for me to love him back.

There was nowhere far enough that we couldn't reach each other.

"We were just saying, while you were on the phone, you've been wining a lot of battles lately," the purple-haired friend said as we got closer to the boat. "You've been the winner of all the tournaments we've seen."

"Well, we worked really hard, worked really hard," I said proudly. My team was amazing, as always.

But there were some small changes. I didn't throw pokeballs into the battle anymore; it was getting too hard to catch them when they flew back. Now I just held them in my hand to call out or recall pokemon. There were some days where I didn't feel like myself, and I knew I couldn't accept any challenges. It killed me to turn down a battle, but my pokemon needed me to be physically and mentally present and I couldn't ask them to fight if I couldn't do that. We were also trying to notice triggers or see signs before seizures occurred. Most of the time, there weren't any. Even absence seizures were pretty rare with my current medication, but we knew it would get worse in time, so we were trying to get used to those problems now. It was hard, but we were working through it.

My pokemon were so willing to work with me, and I was so happy to be training them again. I wasn't sure what the next challenge would be once we got home, if I'd take on a new region or something else, but I was looking forward to it. There were a lot of questions, and a lot of changes to make, and I knew things would be hard, but I couldn't wait to figure it all out. I wasn't burdened by what I couldn't do, but excited to find out what I _could_ do.

My friends and I talked and laughed our way down to the boat, but then I heard a high-pitched sound that pierced through everything. _"Pikapi!"_

**I FOUND YOU! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE! THE WORLD IS CAVING IN, IT'S CRUSHING YOU, NOTHING BUT DUST TO BREATHE AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! ** I clamped my hands over my mouth to stifle the screams. That familiar voice, the hero and villein in all my dreams... My heart exploded with all the feeling in it, my head was heavy with all the tears behind my eyes, my throat kept seizing up and refusing to take in air.

I saw in front of me clearly, but Yellow bled through everything else. Sights, sounds, smells, sun laughter, grass, memories of another life trying so hard to break out of me, stretching me like a balloon.

"_Pikaaa..." _ I couldn't turn around. My lungs were on fire, my chest was made of glass shards, my heart was thudding so violently it was smashing through my eardrums. **"SPEAROW, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M GOING TO CAPTURE AND DEFEAT YOU ALL! FLASHING, ANGRY, HURTING, "COME AND GET ME!" YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

Too much Yellow. Too much feeling. Like drinking from a fire hose, there was too much power, it filled me from my shoelaces to the tips of my hair and still there was more Yellow trying to force it's way in. _LOOK AT ME!_ it demanded, _LOOK AT ME, PLAY WITH ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME!_

**NOWHERE IS SAFE! NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! ** Black howled continuously, and still Yellow shrieked for me to give up all of myself until the joy tore me to atoms.

And through all this, there was this concept of 'Pikachu'. My best friend... He wasn't lost, he wasn't gone, he came back to me. All the places in the world he could have run to, and he chose me.

**IT'S NOT GOING TO LAST! YOU'RE POISON, YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH! EVERY ONE OF THEM WILL FALL AND NOTHING CAN SAVE THEM AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! NOTHING WILL BE LEFT!**

Pikachu, this tiny, little thing that could light up the entire sky and break bones with his tail. Glowing cheeks hiding in all the shadows because he was too scared to let me see him, who once tried to kill me but would kill himself for letting me cry.

The darkness in all my memories was Pikachu, but Pikachu wasn't the darkness. The little, yellow creature behind me was a stranger, but the intimate friendship we shared wasn't missing. **HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! EVERYTHING IS DANGER AND HE WILL KILL YOU AND THEN YOU'LL DIE!**

"_Pikapi? Are you okay?" _ I loved Pikachu. I was furious with Pikachu. I didn't know Pikachu. I'd die for Pikachu. He was everything, he was nothing, he made my heart burn and he calmed the raging storms. In a world I needed to be simple and consistent, he was a glaring contradiction, a puzzle I couldn't solve. ** NOTHING IS SAFE! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! ** Pikachu was death charging towards me, even when still, a force that couldn't' be stopped.

And all I wanted to do was to run to it.

_Don't run away, no running away, _I ordered myself, forcing myself to turn, urging my shaking body to run. My heart was in the demon, my life was in the storm, my best friend was in Pikachu and if all that came together, then I would grab it and press it close to me for as many seconds as I could endure. No running away.

Everything was in slow motion, every shift of weight and pressure registered with my senses, the gravel kicking up from my shoes as vivid and crystallized as the yellow being now in my vision. **CHOKING ON DUST, YOU CAN'T BREATHE! BLOOD EVERYWHERE, HE WON'T STOP SHOCKING YOU! THE WEIGHT IS FORCING YOU DOWN, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

_I don't care. I don't want anything else._

This was the life I'd chosen, the life that meant something. Maybe it was stupid, maybe I'd made a bunch of wrong decisions along the way, but it was important to me, and this moment was worth everything.

**HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU!**

_Let him try._

It wouldn't matter. Because this life was still worth it, because I still believed in Pikachu, and because I'll go to my grave loving him. One step closer, and another, I was charging towards Pikachu at breakneck speed but every microsecond was like a still photo.

I saw a whole spectrum of emotions play over Pikachu's face as I dived forward, arms outstretched to seize him with all the intensity that was coursing through me. One of those emotions was sheer terror, which put us both on the same page. I crushed him to my chest just before I hit the ground, somersaulting across th concrete and scraping up my elbows before I skidded to a stop.

Pikachu was back, pressed up against my heart where he belonged. My whole body vibrated, my mind was in frenzy, Black kept screaming that I was going to die, and all I could do was try to hug Pikachu until his existence merged with mine.

"_What are you doing? Pikachu! Are you crazy?"_

"Maybe?" Probably. Who cared? Pikachu was back, I could deal with the rest. "Missed you, I missed you..."

Pikachu stopped struggling against me. _ "I'm so sorry for pikapika, I was scared. You needed me, and I was..."_

"It's fine, it's fine..." He was so soft in my arms, fragile and gentle and perfect, except when he wasn't. "It's fine, I love you, it's fine..."

"_I thought I was helping you pika pikachu pi when I left. I'm so sorry, I made a mistake!"_

"I _know!_" I hissed, but I wasn't angry. Just trying not to fly apart. My heart kept hammering away and I couldn't stop crying, but I knew I was in the right place. Even if I died right then, I had everything I wanted.

_Please,_ I closed my eyes and held Pikachu as close as humanly possible, _Until the day I die, don't let me forget how this feels..._

"Ash?" The girl with the purple hair touched my shoulder, though I only barely registered her presence. "I don't think Pikachu can breathe." Breathing was over-rated. Breathing meant pulling apart and maybe Pikachu would leave again. But my wild fury was starting to die down, and logic was returning to my world, so I released my arms and let Pikachu gasp for air.

_"Can I ask you pikapika?"_ he asked as soon as he'd recovered from suffocation. I nodded, and Pikachu looked up to me, suddenly so familiar. No part of him was a stranger, no part of him was a threat to me.

Pikachu's voice was so resolute. _"I want to learn how to take care of you. Whatever you need, pika pika that you can depend on. I want to be by your side all the way to the end."_ I just stared. It was everything I hoped for, but...

"Can you?" Because I could only play hero for so long without a partner. I could bear up Pikachu through a lot of battles, but this time someone would have to carry me.

To be honest, Pikachu didn't look so sure of himself. _"Pikapikachu, pi pika... but I want to be. That's what you do, right? Train weak things to be strong?"_ His voice wavered, but the conviction underneath it started to swell. _ "I want to be there and pika, pikapi. I'm not good with pikaaa, I'm weak, but you're training me to be something I didn't know I could be. I can learn to be strong enough to fight your battles with you."_

How on earth could my friends keep laughing that my meeting Pikachu was a lucky accident? How could they tell me that story like it was all happenstance, not the direct hand of fate?

"It's going to be hard," I said softly, and Pikachu swallowed.

"_I know. Pikachu~... please teach me." _ If he kept this up, I was going to forget how to breathe. This was _my_ Pikachu, the proud and ornery little titan who refused to bow down before any human, who bristled at the mere implication that I was some _Master_, now so humble and begging me to teach him. This was the same Pikachu who hid and bottled the worst of his pain and the best of his love because he was afraid to let people so deep into his soul, now being so open and honest. Pikachu, who carried the wight of a world he hadn't asked for on his shoulders for countless miles, was willing to take on a bigger burden and pull me all the way through Armageddon. _"I love you, Pikapi."_

"Can you shut up for a second?" I choked out, all the pressing Yellow feelings descending on me on full force. "Shut up and stop being wonderful."

I think my word choice shocked Pikachu for a minute, but soon he was laughing and running all over my shoulders. _"You're such a weirdo,"_ he teased as he nuzzled my cheek. _"Just breathe, okay? It's going to be fine."_

_Finally!_ I thought with a grateful smile. The pattern was back, someone else was taking control from me. The world was safe again, and the battle was over. I exhaled and let myself fully relax for the first time in weeks...


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: 小さきもの (A Small Thing)

* * *

~ 大切なものは すぐそばにある その事に気づいた (Important things are only close by, that is what I realized) ~

* * *

I came to myself in stages, my senses slowly crossing from my subconscious into reality. It was like being underwater, if water was a living thing that could feed you lies and memories until you weren't sure which was which anymore.

I heard them shouting, and knew that was wrong. The voices didn't sound like anything, friend or stranger, but they didn't make me feel safe and that wasn't right. There was always a voice to make me feel safe.

The ground was rough and cold under my arms. My face was mushed against the surface with gravel sticking to my mouth, and that was wrong, too. They always kept me warm, they wouldn't let me stay like this. The little girl, Bonnie, she should have been patting my arm, pretending she wasn't scared because she knew there wasn't any reason to be. The boy with blonde hair and glasses, he should be making some machine from spare parts to play music or something else that was only marginally useful to me but still really sweet. The girl who once had the straw hat should be telling me stories I don't remember and can only barely follow until someone else tells her what to do.

And_ him... _my best friend should be telling me I was strong and brave, I fought really well and deserved a rest... But none of that was happening, just voices that didn't make me feels safe.

I started to recognize sounds, but still couldn't move or open my eyes, so I stopped pushing and tried to remember how I got there. I remembered Team Rocket. I remembered Straw Hat asking me if I remembered meeting her, like she did every morning, and I do remember. She always means it as a joke, but I think it hurts her that I need to be reminded of her name so often. What I think matters a lot to her, but I don't know why she's so worried about it. When she stops trying to impress me and focuses on helping others, I like her just fine.

_Straw Hat wears a felt hat now, _my mind told me, as if that was somehow important. She told me that, because apparently all different hats have different names and what it's made of is a big deal to her. She'd probably get along with my blue-haired friend, she doesn't think my hat is stylish, either.

I was starting to wake up now, and could make out Bonnie's voice. It sounded a little weird. Bonnie was the glasses boy's sister, or was she called his niece? Which was the right word? I was pretty sure it was sister, but I wasn't sure... Maybe it was Straw Hat, maybe she could be called sister? Or did it matter, because they all can be called friends?

Maybe they didn't care about the rest... _"Pikachu!"_ With a jolt, my eyes snapped open and my heart stopped beating. **YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! NOTHING IS SAFE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

I remembered Pikachu levitating into the air, I remembered Meowth being afraid, I remembered my friends turning against me. And a giant squid pokemon, with a lady in a cloak. I could see them both int the darkness now, on top of their ramshackle throne and laughing down at me.

They were why everything was wrong. It was their hypnotic power that turned all my friends into mindless zombies, and all those other pokemon. They were the reason every muscle in my body ached, the reason I was alone and helpless on the stone cold ground. It was their fault my arms were scraped up and bleeding, my head feeling like someone cracked it open, because- _"PiKA!"_

I whimpered and pushed myself up a little. He was staring back at me from several feet away, hatred in his wild eyes, cheeks sparking like firecrackers. I wanted to pass out again. **YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU'RE NOT SAFE, HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU!**

Quick Attack had nailed me in the gut and nearly taken out all my ribs, I remembered now. I still saw Iron Tail flashing right in front of my face. And Thunderbolt... **THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

This was wrong. Nothing was safe anymore, my best friend was gone, taken by the monster. The lady told him to attack me, and he almost killed me with the attack that scares me the most. My arms were banged up and bleeding, my face was covered in tears and he didn't react. I'd had a grand mal seizure right in front of him and he just _watched._

"_Pikachu!"_ Pikachu, that's right, he had a name. Pikachu was a pokemon, I taught him those attacks. We laughed and played together, and sometimes we cried together. He wasn't an otherworldly demon, but a flawed and lovable friend.

My friend was lost, trapped inside that Pikachu, and he needed me to free him.

With shaky breaths, I lifted myself up, my arms far too weak to support me. But they were all I had. Painstakingly slow, I crawled towards Pikachu.

"_PikaCHU!" _ The attack hit me, and I saw stars and birds and tornadoes before I grit my teeth and pushed forward. My friend needed me and I needed him, so I couldn't give up now. **BLUE AND PINK LIGHTS COMING AT YOU! BIRDS IN THE SKY "COME AND GET ME!" HE WON'T STOP SHOCKING, HE HATES YOU, HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU!**

That lady and the squid pokemon could laugh all they wanted, but what they did was unforgivable. They weren't Pikachu's trainers or his friends, they didn't work to earn his trust or give up everything to keep him safe, so they didn't get to use Pikachu's power. Pikachu was no one's servant, and no one was his master. This person and her pokemon took away Pikachu's control, his free will, reducing him to a puppet. And now they were making him torture his best friend.

I wouldn't let them humiliate Pikachu like this.

**NOTHING YOU DO CAN STOP IT! GETTING CLOSER MAKES IT WORSE! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! **I didn't care. I was terrified, I _knew_ I was going to die, but I couldn't run from it. Pikachu needed me to be brave, and Pikachu was worth more than anything I'd ever find outside this nightmare.

_I know you're in there,_ I pleaded mentally. _I'm right here. Come back to me. _ I reached out my hand, even as Thunderbolt lit all my nerves on fire. "I still believe in you..." If I could just touch him, I knew we could break through this. Surely, wherever Pikachu was trapped, he was reaching back to me.

"Give it up, Ash..." That was the Straw Hat girl's voice, and Bonnie and her brother's.

"No matter how you fight, you cannot resist the power of Madame X."

"The world now belongs to Madame X and Malamar..." Their voices sounded weird, not like them at all. They were still under her control.

But they couldn't control me. I remembered Meowth had escaped the hypnosis by using Fury Swipes on himself, physical pain kept one grounded in their own mind.

I wasn't the disabled one today. I had the ultimate immunity; _everything_ hurt, and I could use that to save Pikachu and all my friends. "F-fight it, Pikachu! C-can you hear m-my voice?"

"You fool! You cannot win!" Madame X and Malamar could taunt me all they wanted; I just tuned them out. They didn't know me, and they didn't know Pikachu at all.

He was never so far that I couldn't reach him.

"I-I believe in you..." My hand brushed against his cheek, and Pikachu recoiled as if I'd burned him. I smirked despite my inner turmoil. _Terrifying, isn't it? When your feelings are the exact opposite of what your mind tells you? _I understood the feeling perfectly, and knew I had made it through to Pikachu, even if his eyes didn't return to normal right away.

I knew it, but Black kept pressing on me from every angle, and Madame X wasn't backing down either. "Whatever bonds still remain, I will soon break them!" ** YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! LIGHTNING, EVERYWHERE AND IN EVERYTHING! YOU CAN'T MOVE, CAN'T BREATHE, ENDLESS PAIN, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!**

I could see Pikachu struggling, and tried to call out to him, even as my fears kept escalating. He had to break free of this, he had to. ** IT'S NOT WORKING! IT'S NOT WORKING, HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU!**

And then, salvation... a large robot shaped like a Pikachu suddenly sailed through the air, straight at us. For a second, I thought I was hallucinating.

I dived for Pikachu on pure instinct, even though all my thoughts screamed that I would die if I touched him. The robot Pikachu skidded and exploded into Malamar in a blinding flash, and I had a small moment to wonder how my life had gotten so screwed up before dust and smoke filled the room.

It tasted like death. I felt the weight of a whole building pressing down on me, even though nothing was there. I felt Thunderbolt coursing through my veins like blood even though Pikachu wasn't shocking me. I felt myself drifting off somewhere to be lost again, even though Pikachu was safe in my arms.

But when the smoke cleared, I wasn't dead, and I wasn't lost. I was still sure I'd die any second, but Pikachu was safe now, I'd gotten him back.

"_Pikapi!" _ Pikachu jumped up and hugged me as I began to sob. _"It's all right, I'm here now, everything's going to be all right..." _

**YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! IT'S ALL OVER, YOU'RE NOTHING! THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS GOING TO CRUSH YOU!**

I couldn't stop sobbing, so I just held Pikachu tighter. _"You did it, Pikapi, it's over. Just breathe now." _I did my best, but Pikachu had to walk me through it. _ "Breathe in, slowly... now let it out..."_

I did start to calm down, and I could see that my friends were all right, even Madame X wasn't a threat anymore. It was Officer Jenny, with her gentle face, and all my friends were running up to talk to her. But even so, I couldn't shake the fear or the urge to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-I don't know, I..."

"_It's okay, you're fine,"_ Pikachu soothed, _"I know this was hard for you." _He let me hold him while I tried to regain steady breathing, and whatever the situation was with Officer Jenny went completely ignored. _ "Tell me what you're feeling."_

**NOTHING IS SAFE! YOU CAN'T RUN, HE CAN'T PROTECT YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! THE BUILDING WILL COME DOWN, THE LIGHTNING WILL STRIKE, THE BIRDS WILL GET IN AND THE PINK AND BLUE LIGHTS ARE COMING FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOTHING! **

"I-I'm gonna die," I stammered out. "This place, it isn't safe, everything's wrong, everything hurts..."

"_I really scared you, didn't I? I'm sorry, pika pikachu..." _ Pikachu was so calm, when I knew he must have been scared, too. _ "But you rescued me. I'm here now, and I won't let anything happen to you. You're strong, Pikapi, you're going to be fine."_

Pikachu had so much destructive power, but could be so gentle when I was afraid. He carried so much guilt on his shoulders, but right now, I was the only thing he was focused on. The pokemon who had brainwashed him still needed to be brought to justice, but instead of hunting them down, he was comforting me.

It made me feel a lot better, and while I couldn't completely shake my fears, the panic lost it's hold on me. "...Sorry... 'm fine now. Sh-shouldn't have freaked out like that..."

"_You're fine. Pikachaaa." _ Pikachu's eyes were full of determination and compassion. _"Can you stand?"_

"Yeah..." My resolve was greater than my ability. As soon as I tried to move without the adrenaline driving me, I doubled over.

"_What is it? Where are you hurt?"_

Everywhere. "Ribs," I choked out. "Quick 'ttack..." Pikachu swore and ran around me to push against my sides.

"_Pikachu pi, but they don't feel broken..." _ Was he sure? To me, they felt obliterated. But he must have been right, because the next time I tried to move was much more successful. _"Don't worry, we're going to get you out of here pika pikaka take a long rest pikachu and you'll feel a lot better..." _ I needed to get Pikachu out of here, too. His own feelings were tossed to the side in order to take care of me, but I knew he had to be freaking out under the surface.

We'd both be having nightmares for weeks about this one. _ "When are you going to start thinking about yourself pipika pikachu always risking your neck pikapika," _Pikachu grumbled as he helped steady my swaying feet.

"Yeah, yeah, love you too," I grumbled right back. The room spun for a few seconds, but I managed to stay on my feet until it came back to normal. My vision focused and I saw Malamar, and could hear Meowth translating something about how it was going to build a weapon and change the structure of the world.

It felt so familiar, like a speech I'd heard a million times before and always ended with me and my closest friends in pain. No world was worth causing people to suffer like that. _ "Pikapi? Are you okay?"_ No, I was churning with anger, I wouldn't be okay until this was over. _ "Tell me what you need."_

This ended now. "I need you to _battle._" Pikachu's face instantly drew into an almost feral grin.

"_With _pleasure..._"_ his voice dripped with suppressed glee. I didn't envy Malamar one bit.

Malamar locked eyes with me for a moment and I bristled, Black's warnings still in the back of my mind but drowned out by my own rage. Did it think I was weak? It was so wrong. I'd beaten it's control and rescued Pikachu, and I was still on my feet, not backing down from anything. And Pikachu was just as strong, not cowed or crippled by anything Malamar did to him or made him do. For all the feelings that hid in the shadows of our hearts, nothing stopped us from protecting the other. That was why we were going to be the best, better than the League, better than the champions, better than the stars themselves.

I took a deep breath and steeled myself. "Pikachu, Thunderbolt! Everything you've got!" Pikachu shrieked something about bloody vengeance and let loose a Thunderbolt that could have totaled a semi-truck. _ Good grief, Pikachu, how are you even real? _But this was my life. A little overwhelming, a little messed up...

...but also amazing. "Good job, Pikachu!" This was right. Pikachu and I battling together was something I recognized, something that made me feel brave in the midst of all this terror. I was still frightened, but I wouldn't trade this experience away for anything.

Malamar escaped down a hallway and we all rushed to chase it. As I ran, I shared a look with Pikachu. There would be time later to talk and apologize and heal from our injuries, physical or otherwise. Later would come the battle of guilt and doctors and both of us praying this latest stunt hadn't driven another nail into my coffin, but for now, we'd won. If this was the last thing I ever remembered, if this was the last thing I'd ever experience, I had no regrets.

This was one of the good moments. There would always be another battle, and endless string of obstacles, and most of them were going to terrify me. But that was fine. Moments like this, looking at Pikachu and seeing him look back with the same expression of love, pride and gratitude, they made it all worth it. The universe could throw it's worst at me, it could scare me all it wanted, but it didn't matter.

I was going to be the world's greatest Pokemon Master, after all, and I had the best partner I could ever ask for.

I wasn't afraid to battle anything.

* * *

**... and that's it.**

**I've been working on this project for three and a half years... and now it's over. **

**For everyone who made it to the end, thank you. This story meant a lot to me, and I'm glad I got the chance to share it.**

**Thank you**


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